Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

Yeah. You read right. This is for everything that doesn't have anything to do with Eva.

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pwhodges
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Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby pwhodges » Fri Dec 16, 2016 9:16 am

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
"Being human, having your health; that's what's important." (from: Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi )
"As long as we're all living, and as long as we're all having fun, that should do it, right?" (from: The Eccentric Family )
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Re: Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby Mr. Tines » Fri Dec 16, 2016 11:11 am

This should really have been posted on Trafalgar Day...

As the two battle fleets made stately progression towards each other in the gentle morning breeze, Admiral Villeneuve made a signal. Having read the flags the midshipman on duty rushed to Lord Nelson and said “I don’t understand the flags sir – With water, it is time.”

Nelson decided to check the signal. Having considered the signal Nelson turned to the snotty and replied “No, you need to read the signal in the original French – A l’eau, c’est l’heure.”
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Re: Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby Director Black » Sat Dec 17, 2016 1:28 pm

A sunday school teacher asks his students where they think Jesus Christ is.

"He's in heaven." says Billy

"He's in our hearts." says Mary

"HE'S IN THE BATHROOM!" screams Johnny

The teacher stumbles at what he just heard. "Th-the....the bathroom, why?"

"Cause every time my father bangs on the bathroom door in the morning, he always yells 'JESUS CHRIST! ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?!'"
Anywhere Can Be Paradise as Long As I Have the Will to Live...

...after all, I am Alive, So I'll Always Have the Chance to Be Happy.

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Re: Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby Ray » Sat Aug 26, 2017 8:33 pm

Where does Darth Vader get all that Leather for his clothes?

SPOILER: Show
At the Darth Mall!

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Postby Sachi » Sat Aug 26, 2017 11:22 pm

^Prices are half-off!
- Sachi

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Postby silvermoonlight » Sun Aug 27, 2017 4:58 pm

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Anywhere can be paradise as long as you have the will to live. After all, you are alive, so you will always have the chance to be happy.

My Eva fanfiction ff.net Fading In To The Stolen Light For download version please go to AO3
Sequel As The Divine Light Breaks For download version please go to AO3

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Re: Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby ErgoProxy » Sun Aug 27, 2017 5:13 pm

A bunny went drunk and slept under a tree in the forest. He was spotted by two wolves.

„Ooh, I can see a nice dinner for myself!” – said one.

„No, the dinner is mine!” – said the other.

Their bared their fangs and fought till they bitten each other. In the morning bunny wakes up with heavy katzenjammer. He looks around and sees two dead wolves.

„Oh, f*******ck” – he moans – „I can't drink that much.”
JUSTICE & MERCY

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Postby Ray » Thu Aug 31, 2017 11:02 am

Misato: Look, Shinji, you’re obviously upset about Kaworu.
Asuka: So, we’ve decided to come over here to help you out.
Shinji: I’m not upset.
Misato: Shinji, we found you in the park, throwing rocks at couples.
Shinji: WHY SHOULD THEY BE HAPPY!? :spout:

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Postby silvermoonlight » Thu Aug 31, 2017 12:05 pm

View Original PostRay wrote:Misato: Look, Shinji, you’re obviously upset about Kaworu.
Asuka: So, we’ve decided to come over here to help you out.
Shinji: I’m not upset.
Misato: Shinji, we found you in the park, throwing rocks at couples.
Shinji: WHY SHOULD THEY BE HAPPY!? :spout:


This needs a comic strip ^_^
Anywhere can be paradise as long as you have the will to live. After all, you are alive, so you will always have the chance to be happy.

My Eva fanfiction ff.net Fading In To The Stolen Light For download version please go to AO3
Sequel As The Divine Light Breaks For download version please go to AO3

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Postby Ray » Fri Sep 01, 2017 8:40 pm

Whats a horny pirates worst fear?

A sunken chest and no booty.

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Re: Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby imprimatur13 » Sat Sep 02, 2017 7:39 pm

There once was a Roman named Claudius. One day, he found that recent linguistic developments in Vulgar Latin had obsoletized his favorite verb. He decided to see how it was doing in the Spanish State Penitentiary for Archaic Words.

On the form he filled out for the local governor, detailing his reason for travel, he wrote "To visit my favorite verb in prison."

When he received his paper of approval from the official, he saw that his reason for travel had been simplified to the following 2 words:

"CONJUGAL VISIT"
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Postby Ray » Fri Sep 08, 2017 10:33 pm

Time for a Lord Of The Rings joke.

What did they call Faramir when he came back to Gondor?

SPOILER: Show
Nearamir.

:wink:

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Postby Dartz » Sun Oct 15, 2017 8:50 am

What's the difference between Ireland and Hamlet?


Ophelia never blew Hamlet.
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Postby pwhodges » Mon Nov 06, 2017 3:00 am

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?”
The horse ponders for a minute and responds “I don’t think I am”.
And poof he disappears...

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, “I think, therefore I am.”
But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
"Being human, having your health; that's what's important." (from: Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi )
"As long as we're all living, and as long as we're all having fun, that should do it, right?" (from: The Eccentric Family )
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Postby robersora » Wed Nov 08, 2017 8:58 pm

Me: "Time Travelling"
Boss: "What's your field of expertise"

Cop: "First Name?"
Suspect: "Frida"
Cop: "Surname?"
Suspect: "Gomam"
Cop: "So, you're Frida Gomam"
- walks away -
Cop (to himself): "Nice, nice"
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Postby imprimatur13 » Wed Nov 08, 2017 10:23 pm

Saw this one on reddit, and couldn't resist (it also prompted me to google Heisenberg, and be secretly ashamed I didn't get that):

Heisenberg, Schroedinger, and Ohm are in a car.
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks, 'Do you know how fast you were going?'
'No, but I know exactly where I am,' Heisenberg replies.
The cop says, 'you were doing 55 in a 35.' Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, 'Great! Now, I'm lost.'
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He checks it out and says, 'Do you know you have a dead cat back here?'
'We do now, asshole!' Shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
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Kyoko's Melons: Currently being completely rewritten, so... if anyone liked it so far, great. I did too. But... not enough. ;)

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Postby Ray » Tue Feb 13, 2018 5:27 am

Goku::"you cannot force me to be someone I'm not!"

Ginyu: "the hell I cant!"

( you only get this joke of you're both a DBZ fan and a Boondocks fan)

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Postby AdamMalkovitch » Tue Feb 13, 2018 10:38 am

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Blind, disabled for the rest of his short, miserable life, and will likely be mocked, patronized, and discriminated against for his crippling lack of sight.

A horse walks into a bar. The man riding the horse notices that said bar was clearly visible and the horse should've been able to see it clearly. He hops down off the horse, pushes it away from the bar, and into the sunlight, and takes a good look at it. The horse's eyes are both pointing in opposite direction and it's foaming at the mouth. The man unholsters his revolver and shoots the horse dead.

*Knock knock*
"Who's there?"
"Orange"
"Orange? Orange who?"
"Orange Simmons, FBI, we'd like to ask you a few questions. Please come with us sir. Have you written a will?"

Fuyutsuki sits at a table, making loud crunching noises as he eats. Gendo enters. "Fuyutsuki, are you ready to begin Final Impact" "Certainly, I'm just finishing breakfast" Gendo looks at the table to see small orange crystals scattered on it, then looks at Fuyutsuki with immense anger. "You ate the Key of Nebuchadnezzar!?" Fuyutsuki calmly replies, "Yes". Fuyutsuki stands, and projects a ridiculously powerful AT Field, killing Gendo immediately. Fuyutsuki giggles like an idiot as Weekend At Bernie's-style shenanigans ensue, followed shortly by the end of the world.

Once, a man wanted to watch Neon Genesis Evangelion, as he had never seen it before. Unfortunately, a complete DVD box set would cost way more than it should on a used market, and it's not like he speaks Japanese so he can't get the Japan exclusive Blu Ray releases. Starchild are so damn greedy that they're charging out the ass to licence the show and it's two films for release and distribution outside of Japan. The man realizes this, and is forced to illegally pirate the show to even watch it.
*injects Angel blood* I know what the fuck an EVA is now :)

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Postby FrDougal9000 » Tue Feb 13, 2018 5:11 pm

I've developed an obsession for jokes that have overly elaborate set-ups in order to make the terrible punchlines work, as you will now see:

What do you call an Olympic sport which involves people talking, while they throw frisbees? Discuss.

What's an alternate term for a cellar where you play a certain type of guitar? A bass-ment.

What do you call an anime about alcoholics trying to survive the aftermath of Hiroshima? Barefoot Gin.

What do you call Shinji's dad when he's been turned into a loaf of bread? Gen-dough Ikari.
Pen-Pen died for your sins!

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Postby chazthesilencer » Wed Feb 14, 2018 4:19 pm

View Original PostRay wrote:( you only get this joke of you're both a DBZ fan and a Boondocks fan)

I remember AMV Hell too, smarty pants.

Knock, Knock.
I done up.
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