Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

Yeah. You read right. This is for everything that doesn't have anything to do with Eva.

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pwhodges
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Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby pwhodges » Fri Dec 16, 2016 9:16 am

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
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Re: Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby Mr. Tines » Fri Dec 16, 2016 11:11 am

This should really have been posted on Trafalgar Day...

As the two battle fleets made stately progression towards each other in the gentle morning breeze, Admiral Villeneuve made a signal. Having read the flags the midshipman on duty rushed to Lord Nelson and said “I don’t understand the flags sir – With water, it is time.”

Nelson decided to check the signal. Having considered the signal Nelson turned to the snotty and replied “No, you need to read the signal in the original French – A l’eau, c’est l’heure.”
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Re: Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby Director Black » Sat Dec 17, 2016 1:28 pm

A sunday school teacher asks his students where they think Jesus Christ is.

"He's in heaven." says Billy

"He's in our hearts." says Mary

"HE'S IN THE BATHROOM!" screams Johnny

The teacher stumbles at what he just heard. "Th-the....the bathroom, why?"

"Cause every time my father bangs on the bathroom door in the morning, he always yells 'JESUS CHRIST! ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?!'"
Anywhere Can Be Paradise as Long As I Have the Will to Live...

...after all, I am Alive, So I'll Always Have the Chance to Be Happy.

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Re: Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby Ray » Sat Aug 26, 2017 8:33 pm

Where does Darth Vader get all that Leather for his clothes?

SPOILER: Show
At the Darth Mall!
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Re: Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby Sachi » Sat Aug 26, 2017 11:22 pm

^Prices are half-off!
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"So you are saying it's the human heart that throws the world into confusion."

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Postby silvermoonlight » Sun Aug 27, 2017 4:58 pm

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Anywhere can be paradise as long as you have the will to live. After all, you are alive, so you will always have the chance to be happy.

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Re: Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby ErgoProxy » Sun Aug 27, 2017 5:13 pm

A bunny went drunk and slept under a tree in the forest. He was spotted by two wolves.

„Ooh, I can see a nice dinner for myself!” – said one.

„No, the dinner is mine!” – said the other.

Their bared their fangs and fought till they bitten each other. In the morning bunny wakes up with heavy katzenjammer. He looks around and sees two dead wolves.

„Oh, f*******ck” – he moans – „I can't drink that much.”
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Stronger than love and with me it will be
For always

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Re: Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby Ray » Thu Aug 31, 2017 11:02 am

Misato: Look, Shinji, you’re obviously upset about Kaworu.
Asuka: So, we’ve decided to come over here to help you out.
Shinji: I’m not upset.
Misato: Shinji, we found you in the park, throwing rocks at couples.
Shinji: WHY SHOULD THEY BE HAPPY!? :spout:
I’ll escape now from this world, from the world of Jean Valjean, Jean Valjean is nothing now! Another story must begin!
Avatar: "There's a Starman, waiting in the sky. He'd like to come and meet me, but he thinks he'd blow my mind."
Phew, I’m not tense anymore… now I’m just miserable.
People say "be yourself" but that's bad advice, if we were all to "be ourselves" many of us would stop wearing clothes. -Chuckman

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Re: Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby silvermoonlight » Thu Aug 31, 2017 12:05 pm

View Original PostRay wrote:Misato: Look, Shinji, you’re obviously upset about Kaworu.
Asuka: So, we’ve decided to come over here to help you out.
Shinji: I’m not upset.
Misato: Shinji, we found you in the park, throwing rocks at couples.
Shinji: WHY SHOULD THEY BE HAPPY!? :spout:


This needs a comic strip ^_^
Anywhere can be paradise as long as you have the will to live. After all, you are alive, so you will always have the chance to be happy.

My Eva fanfiction ff.net Fading In To The Stolen Light For download version please go to AO3

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Re: Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby Ray » Fri Sep 01, 2017 8:40 pm

Whats a horny pirates worst fear?

A sunken chest and no booty.
I’ll escape now from this world, from the world of Jean Valjean, Jean Valjean is nothing now! Another story must begin!
Avatar: "There's a Starman, waiting in the sky. He'd like to come and meet me, but he thinks he'd blow my mind."
Phew, I’m not tense anymore… now I’m just miserable.
People say "be yourself" but that's bad advice, if we were all to "be ourselves" many of us would stop wearing clothes. -Chuckman

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Re: Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby imprimatur13 » Sat Sep 02, 2017 7:39 pm

There once was a Roman named Claudius. One day, he found that recent linguistic developments in Vulgar Latin had obsoletized his favorite verb. He decided to see how it was doing in the Spanish State Penitentiary for Archaic Words.

On the form he filled out for the local governor, detailing his reason for travel, he wrote "To visit my favorite verb in prison."

When he received his paper of approval from the official, he saw that his reason for travel had been simplified to the following 2 words:

"CONJUGAL VISIT"
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Re: Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby Ray » Fri Sep 08, 2017 10:33 pm

Time for a Lord Of The Rings joke.

What did they call Faramir when he came back to Gondor?

SPOILER: Show
Nearamir.

:wink:
I’ll escape now from this world, from the world of Jean Valjean, Jean Valjean is nothing now! Another story must begin!
Avatar: "There's a Starman, waiting in the sky. He'd like to come and meet me, but he thinks he'd blow my mind."
Phew, I’m not tense anymore… now I’m just miserable.
People say "be yourself" but that's bad advice, if we were all to "be ourselves" many of us would stop wearing clothes. -Chuckman

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Re: Not all jokes are images! Text jokes...

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Postby Dartz » Sun Oct 15, 2017 8:50 am

What's the difference between Ireland and Hamlet?


Ophelia never blew Hamlet.
-------m(^0^)m------ Wot, no sig?


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