A fanfic I've been planning for some time, only got around to writing around a week ago. So far I've almost finished a chapter but I want to get some thoughts on it so I'll link what I've done. Of course I'll get down to what my fic is about, I'm taking some influence from the Ayanami Raising Project game and having it centered around the relationship between Rei and her guardian, who I've named Gai Mor. He's a mixed bad of emotions with sociopathic tendencies, stemming from the life he has lived thus far (A bad childhood, life as a Seele agent and a soldier during the fresh water wars).

There will be 3 story arcs, this one spanning the original TV series ending with 3rd impact, 2nd involving Neo Nerv (4 more Rei's are introduced in this arc) vs Seele and the Titan's, and lastly a Q type scenario in the aftermath of 4th impact and Willee's fight against the evolved human race lead by Gai and Rei.

Arc 1 - The Beast that Shouted Love at the Heart of the World
Gai is assigned as Rei's teacher to educate her, also planted in that position by Seele to maintain a closer eye on Gendo's activities and those around him. He bonds with Rei and the two become close, he cares for her but doesn't like others trying to interact with Rei. Hence forth his attitude towards Shinji, Gai's the kinda person who hasn't been happy throughout his life and will do anything to protect what he has now gained. Therefore comes off as defensive or angry at many times, he also always carries around a gun and a knife. Feeling vulnerable without it and is always looking over his shoulder, a plot point (Critical to the story and explained in instrumentality) and the fact he is being monitored. Over the course of the story, Gai is planning his end outcome and forces his own version of Instrumentality. Absorbing all traces of Adam into himself (4 parts in total, from Gendo, Kaworu, one he eats, and another growing in terminal dogma which he merges with) and Lilith into Rei, becoming Gods in human form. The story ends with Gai and Rei lying naked on a beach after reverting from giants, and humanity returns from LCL. Including Yui and various others.

Arc 2 - Remember the Titan's
3 months pass without incident when Nerv learns that Seele is building the Titan's, Evangelion size mecha's similar to Jet Alone unaffected by Gai's new-found power. The ability to dismantle and resemble forms of life to and from LCL, an ability used to disintegrate the mass production Eva's during their assault on Nerv at the end of the first arc. So building Titan's made from metal cancels out his ability, forcing Nerv to gain new pilots. Gendo and Ritsuko foresaw this and was already constructing 5 new Eva's, 4 for the Rei's recently hatched and 1 to replace Unit 2 for Asuka. Who came back alive after 3rd impact, resurrected with powers of an Angel. Seele designates Gai, the Rei's and Asuka as the new Angels planning for a strike to wipe them out. The stage is then set for an all out assault on Tokyo 3, ending with 4th impact killing 90% of the human race.

Arc 3 - You can (Not) Resist
Years pass and Willee is formed, made up of some former Nerv personnel and remnants of the human race in an attempt to stop any further impacts through the killing Gai and Rei.


I've planned out in my head various events that will take place during the story but I'm kinda confused on how to connect them in between, so I'll write all those segments and figure something out when I get to that stage. Anyhow here's a link to that chapter I mentioned, its about them heading to pick up the 2nd child. Don't know why but I started writing this chapter first, although it still gives you an insight into Gai's character and the relationship he holds with Rei, or at least I hope it will.

Asuka strikes
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WhTKFtQl-eWvr4P_Kk-B4pmd7OQWLhL0Py35JgKgJ6M/edit?usp=sharing

Terms
Here are a few terms I created to use with the fic, see below.

Fresh water wars
A series of conflicts against Russia over their monopoly of vast drinkable water reserves, Gai participated in the tail end of the war and the final decisive battle. It's also where he was temporarily captured and got his chest scar, indirectly caused by Kaji through misinformation.

Endangered nationalities list (Referenced as ENL)
A list of nationalities nearly wiped out by 2nd impact, Gai is part of that list. Western Europe was mostly sunk during 2nd impact due to it's low lying land, whose countries populations were nearly wiped out.

Food Riots
A series of public disturbances due to the shortage of food in eastern Europe and various other areas around the globe.

Gai Mor
Age: 23
Nationality: Unknown, last known residence Berlin (Presumably European)
Eyes: Blue
Hair: Short and brown

Backstory
Bullied at school and at home with below average grades and skills, Gai's parents were disappointed in him. Often calling him stupid and a failure, only so in a harsh attempt to toughen him. The situation only got worse after 2nd impact, where his family managed to survive finding themselves in a refugee camp in Austria. Years pass and he becomes a teenager, further abused in an attempt to toughen him for the world to come and responsibility as an adult. Gai snaps under the pressure and screams that he hates them and that they aren't his parents, they dump him in the streets afterwards. Broken and with nowhere else to go, he is found by Seele. Who are on the lookout to reshape broken spirits into agents, years pass and he is planted into the military where he fights in the fresh water wars and the food riots. Afterwards he transfers to Nerv Berlin, and eventually to Nerv Japan months prior to the beginning of the story.

Notes
A white Caucasian male of medium build and size, likes to listen to music and sing to himself. Has few natural talents.

Are you familiar with the term "Gary Stu"? It's a common beginner's mistake.


Too much absurdly cool new character/power fantasy, too little canon characters (which is what ppl read fics for). This 'Gai' fellow has little in comon with the relatively neutral 'second leutenant' guy - He seems more like someone who you have do 'cool' things or has them happen to him, than someone with an actual concept, streght and weaknesses behind him.

Where is Shinji in all this?


You obviously like Rei, but perhaps you should spend more time thinking about why you like her and what makes her likeable, so you bring that out and preserve it in your fic, because I don't see much of Rei in your descriptions.


If you dislike Asuka, or Kaji, or whoever... just having bad things happening to them looks like a sadistic bash fantasy, which, in turn, looks cheesy.

You think they have screwed up/are bad people? That is your good right, but this is just un-professional.
Instead, think of why you dislike them, what their flaws are, what exactly makes those flaws bad, and have those directly lead to whatever bad things happen to them; Don't have the bad events just externally drop on them.


Extreme ideas CAN be done well, but rarely by a beginner. Maybe you could do a few oneshots to practice?

And please don't use 'sociopathic' as a joke or 'cool' trait, it's making real people's lives harder out there. Don't you already have a cast full of interesting characters?

Granted, an 'impact war veteran/SEELE henchman' IS something that 'should exist in the setting but hasn't been explored', and, as such, a good idea to detail the grimmer parts of the setting, but you can't just dump a new character on the audience have them take center stage right away; That'll just alienate people.

See how Mari was introduced in 2.0: Subtly, and gradually. She had a few cool establising shots to herself, showed up in the charater's periphery, and got properly involved in the finale.

Maybe a better way would be to show your character experience SEcond Impact and life shortly after in some sort of prologue, so the audience would get attached to their hard life in what is still a familiar setting, instead of just having him show up besides Asuka and steal the spotlight.

A knife fight right away is more likely to come ff as over the top or trying to hard than cool or edgy; You'd wonder how such a character could get the job in the first place.
Sure, much of EVA' cast is psycho, but we're talking hidden psycho; Asuka, Ritsuko, Misato etc all put of a mask of perfect professionalism and happiness that only crumbles over time, under stress.

"Rei as an active foce deciding to mix stuff up massively" also seems like a good idea, because so few people do active!Rei, when not being just the plot girl to reflect some character's flaws à la Lolita or Sabeth was the very point, lifeblood and tragedy of Rei's character; That she had feelings, too.
But maybe it would be better if you focussed on Rei, and then she enlists the aid of a random section 2 agent who was her assigned bodyguard for a while, shows her loyalty & then gradually develops into a more prominent character, SI war veteral background and all?
Or dispense with the OC and have Rei just act as Rei and work with the existing characters.

But is Rei really the type to god-mode or strongarm things like this? She can be determined, unfettered even, but she can't shoot a person in cold blood. (ep 18.) She tends to be gentle and worry about people when said people intersect with her sphere of living, even though she doesn't seek them out. In EoE, her apparitions lament the scenes of massacre lft by the JSSDF ("The world is full of emptiness etc.")

Gendo did raise her, and give her quite a bit of desensitizing conditioning, so she'd be willing to do ugly things if necessary, but she'd probably prefer other paths to knifing random people.

Yea, sorry if it came off like that but I can understand why since you only read that chapter. There wasn't much going on for the other characters but they get their fair share elsewhere, I don't necessarily hate any characters and they will have their own segments in the story. It's just that this chapter serves to hint at Gai's backstory, introduce Asuka, and some other things. It's also a bit into the story so all that other stuff would be before and after, Gai won't be in the entire thing as there will be parts of Rei at school and he interactions with everyone there. Even side characters like Maya, Shigeru, Makoto, Toji, and various others get their own say. It will be written mostly with Gai and Rei but it will cut to various others.

Anyway Kaji never gave him that scar, Gai just blames him for it as he indirectly caused it during the final battle of the fresh water wars. The scar also serves as the literal wound to his heart, which Rei has already saw at this point and she knows many other things about him. It'll become more clear when I write the rest, of course you don't know any of this since I haven't write it but I can understand your questions.

My bad if he came off as a Gary Stu, he's not meant to be. He does break down and cry when Misato calls him stupid, giving him a nasty flashback to his childhood, that's not something I would perceive to call cool. Im unsure if you read that part, it was at the end. About the sociopath stuff, he's just emotionally unstable and loses his temper quite often. Earning him the nickname, "The Beast".

I also updated the OP, there's more info there now.

xPearse wrote:Gai is planning his end outcome and forces his own version of Instrumentality. Absorbing all traces of Adam into himself (4 parts in total, from Gendo, Kaworu, one he eats, and another growing in terminal dogma which he merges with) and Lilith into Rei, becoming Gods in human form.

That's not how it works. You can't become a "God" unless you absorb both Adam and Lilith.

xPearse wrote:The story ends with Gai and Rei lying naked on a beach after reverting from giants, and humanity returns from LCL. Including Yui and various others.

So Instrumentality ends? The reason EoE ends on the beach is because Shinji rejected Instrumentality. Why would Gai cause Instrumentality and then end it?