Ghosts of Evangelion

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Postby ChaddyManPrime » Mon Jun 09, 2014 5:10 pm

You know you should have Asuka see a EMDR specialist, it really helps with the flashbacks and trauma.
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Postby Bagheera » Mon Jun 09, 2014 5:53 pm

As promised, here's the Asuka/Touji scene. I'm mostly happy with it, so please let me know what you think!

SPOILER: Show
September 16, 2018
Asuka scowled at the face that met her when she opened her door. "What do you want?" she demanded.
Touji held up his hands in a warding gesture. "Take it easy, Soryu," he said. "I'm not here to fight."
Asuka's cocked her head, hand on hip. "Yeah, so?"
"Horaki sent me," he said.
Asuka eyed him suspiciously. "Hikari's not that dumb."
He didn't reply. He just looked off to the side, a faraway look in his eyes.
She'd seen that look before. "Eva?" she asked.
He responded with a jerky nod.
"I see, " she said. She frowned for a moment, then stepped aside. "Come on in, then."

She didn't give him tea or anything, and he didn't ask. "I sometimes forget you were a pilot too, even if it was only just that once."
He nodded. "I never wanted to do it," he mumbled. "Damn things freaked me out, even then. Ayanami was always banged up because of them, and Shinji just got worse and worse as time went on. Even you, at the end . . . " he trailed off.
"Yeah," she agreed.
"I have nightmares about it. I don't even remember all of the details, but they're so fuckin' horrible."
She laughed ruefully. "Yeah," she said. "I know."
"I asked Shinji about it once, but he didn't seem to get it. He kept talking about things he'd done, not the angels. I don't get it, man. He piloted more than any of us."
She shrugged. "That part of it just didn't hit him as hard, I guess."
"Huh." He was silent for a few moments. "The worst part of it," he said, touching his head, "is the way it got inside my head. It was inside me, man! This thing, this . . . something other, something not me, just pried me open like a can opener and started rooting around inside. That's what I remember, what I dream about every night. That feeling of being torn open, of having something sick and twisted stick itself inside of me, of--" he stopped. She was staring at him oddly. "What? What is it?"
She caught herself, shook her head. "Nothing," she said. "It's just, Shinji never described it like that. I know he had contact with the angels, but when he talks about it he describes it more as ordinary conversations. Even though he was freaked out by the situation, that sense of violation is never there." She met his gaze. "But for me, it happened exactly like you describe. I felt the angel rip into my mind, defiling me, and I felt the evas tear me apart when they killed my . . . " she stopped. "Anyway, I felt it. And it was horrible. I couldn't do anything to stop it, and I couldn't even zone out or anything, since it was in my head."
"I don't feel safe anywhere," he said.
Another laugh. "Nope," she agreed.
"Nobody understands why I'm so fucked up. They're like 'Hey, you got your leg back, right? You should be happy!' and 'You're a man, aren't you? Suck it up and deal!' But how am I supposed to do that, huh? What the fuck am I supposed to do when it won't go away?"
She frowned. "I hadn't thought about it like that," she said. "I guess it'd be harder to find help since you're a guy, huh?"
"It sucks, man." He rubbed his eyes with the backs of his hands. "Everyone thinks guys have it so great, and in a lot of ways we do." He sighed. "But we're assholes to one another, man. We're always competing, always trying to outdo one another, never allowed to show any weakness . . . and then when something like this happens no one knows what to do, and no one wants to deal with it. They just want us to be big, strong men and get over it." He scowled. "Well, sorry, but being a big, strong man doesn't do me any damn good here. I can't fucking do anything!" he waved his arms in frustration.
"I get it from the other end," she said. "I'm so strung out all the time that just about anything will set me off, which means I'm always treating Shinji like shit when I don't mean to," she said, a sad smile on her face. "But at least he's tough enough to take it. Everyone else just thinks I'm a bitch, and even when they know how messed up I am they still just want me to go away. And the ones who get past that just look at me with pity; I'm damaged goods, mentally and physically, and who would want a scarred woman with mental problems? It makes me want to scream sometimes."
"Yeah." He let out a slow breath and sat back. "How the fuck do you cope, Soryu? I'm running out of ideas here."
She laughed, a touch of hysteria in her voice. "What makes you think I do?" He looked at her in puzzlement. "Suzuhara, I'd be dead ten times over if it weren't for Shinji. Every time I think about doing it he says or does some stupid ass thing that makes me reconsider and press on." She grimaced. "Sometimes, I really wish he wouldn't."
"Don't say that, man," he admonished. "He's just looking out for you."
"Yeah," she said, voice laced with sarcasm, "because this is so much better, right?" She shook her head, then added, "Sorry. I know he's trying his best, but even so."
Touji let it go. "So, you're saying I should lean on Horaki, then? She doesn't really understand, but . . . "
"Not just her. I have Shinji, but I also have Hikari and Misato. I need all of them to get by. And in your case, Shinji won't give you that macho bullshit you were talking about, right? Heck, even that weasel Aida should be helpful here."
Touji snorted. "He still doesn't get why piloting wouldn't be the greatest thing ever. Mental trauma isn't really his field."
"That's probably a good thing, actually."
Touji frowned in confusion. "What do you mean?"
She shrugged. "Well, he's kinda upbeat, right? Use that to your advantage. Lean on Hikari and Shinji for the heavy stuff, and let him pull you up when it gets bad. Distractions help, and he seems to be really good at providing those."
"Yeah," he agreed. "Yeah, I guess that's true." He scowled. "Assuming he ever comes back."
"You can talk to me, too, if you want," she said, her tone indifferent.
He balked. "I thought we hated each other."
She shrugged. "You gonna start taking dirty pictures of me again?"
He flushed. "Of course not! That was just kid stuff!"
She narrowed her eyes. "Ask Hikari what she thinks about that 'kid stuff'. Hell, ask any girl in our class. What you did was a crime, you moron."
He squeezed his eyes shut, cringing in defeat. "I know that, alright? It's not like I'd ever do it again."
"Hmph," she scoffed. "Just so you understand."
"Fine, fine," he said.
"But anyway," she went on, "what we're talking about here kinda trumps all that juvenile bullshit. As long as you're not a fuckin' retard all the time I have no issue with helping you out when you need it. And anyway, it'd make the idiot happy, so there's that, too."
"Okay, fine," he laughed. "I can live with that. Thanks."
She shrugged. "Whatever."
There was an awkward pause.
"Suzuhara," she growled.
"Yes?" he asked, nervous.
She narrowed her eyes. "Was there anything else?"
"Er . . . " He stopped to think about it. "Not really."
She snarled. "Then what the fuck are you still doing in my home?"
"Geez, Soryu--" he began.
"Beat it!" she exclaimed.
He headed for the door. "I'm going, I'm going." He stepped outside. "You know, it wouldn't kill you to--" He stopped when the door slammed in his face. He shook his head with a laugh and said, "Aw man, that girl." He stuck his hands in his pockets and turned to head home.
Last edited by Bagheera on Sat Jan 24, 2015 5:29 pm, edited 5 times in total.
For my post-3I fic, go here.
The law doesn't protect people. People protect the law. -- Akane Tsunemori, Psycho-Pass
People's deaths are to be mourned. The ability to save people should be celebrated. Life itself should be exalted. -- Volken Macmani, Tatakau Shisho: The Book of Bantorra
I hate myself. But maybe I can learn to love myself. Maybe it's okay for me to be here! That's right! I'm me, nothing more, nothing less! I'm me. I want to be me! I want to be here! And it's okay for me to be here! -- Shinji Ikari, Neon Genesis Evangelion
Yes, I know. You thought it would be something about Asuka. You're such idiots.

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Postby pwhodges » Tue Jun 10, 2014 6:57 am

I find myself thinking of Touji here as Sam Gamgee; Touji piloted just the once, and Sam carried the Ring just briefly, but both were marked in such a way that their experience was truly shared with those who had done so much more. OK, not a great insight... Anyway, I liked that conversation a lot; I'd never really thought of the difference of Shinji's experiences from theirs in that way.
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"As long as we're all living, and as long as we're all having fun, that should do it, right?" (from: The Eccentric Family )
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Postby AngelNo13Bardiel » Tue Jun 10, 2014 7:47 am

As usual, the quality level hasn't dropped a bit (but then again, I like the original version too). Yet another good scene, man.
Evangelion fan since 15 October 2002, Evangelion fanfiction writer since 1 April 2004. (FFN) (AO3)
Current avatar: PIKA PIKA MOTHERF**KER!
Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly. - Franz Kafka
Clones to the left of me, tsunderes to the right...and here I am, stuck in the middle with Shinji. - how I view my experience with Evangelion
-When it comes to Asuka/Shinji, pre-EoE is like moving Mount Everest and post-EoE is like moving the Olympus Mons. Either way, it's moving a mountain. It's just the size of said mountain.-

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Postby Bagheera » Tue Jun 10, 2014 7:33 pm

Minor edits on the cello scene and the Touji/Asuka scene. I decided to keep the cello scene after all (it was easier to re-work than I expected), and I nuked the previous Touji/Asuka scene -- too much OOC nonsense, and the relevant parts will be addressed later anyway. Cello pt. 2 is done, but I'm gonna leave it 'til tomorrow so I can give it another pass after a full night's sleep and be sure I don't have to fix it later. -o-;
For my post-3I fic, go here.
The law doesn't protect people. People protect the law. -- Akane Tsunemori, Psycho-Pass
People's deaths are to be mourned. The ability to save people should be celebrated. Life itself should be exalted. -- Volken Macmani, Tatakau Shisho: The Book of Bantorra
I hate myself. But maybe I can learn to love myself. Maybe it's okay for me to be here! That's right! I'm me, nothing more, nothing less! I'm me. I want to be me! I want to be here! And it's okay for me to be here! -- Shinji Ikari, Neon Genesis Evangelion
Yes, I know. You thought it would be something about Asuka. You're such idiots.

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Postby Bagheera » Wed Jun 11, 2014 4:35 am

Cello, pt. 2. I'm mostly satisfied with this, though I think the ending is far too upbeat given the time period. But whatever -- they have to have some ups to balance out the downs, or they'll just give up and slit their throats within a week. So fuck it, I'm running with it. Enjoy.

SPOILER: Show
March 14, 2016
Asuka entered the kitchen, finding Shinji there. "You weren't there when I woke up," she said. She sounded hurt.
Shinji didn't turn around. "Sorry," he mumbled.
"You weren't there yesterday, either," she said.
He shrugged. "I can't be looking after you all the time."
Asuka narrowed her eyes. "That's not what I'm talking about. I already apologized for what I said, didn't I?"
He sighed. "I know you did. And I said it's fine, didn't I?"
"You're still mad," she said, hurt.
"I'm not mad." He sounded mad.
"You're acting like you're mad," she said.
"I'm not mad!" he exclaimed. "I just . . . don't know what to do. "
She scowled. "So you're just given up? That's even worse!"
He shrugged again, sulking. "Sorry to be such a disappointment."
She was quiet for a bit. Then, "You were doing fine before."
He laughed. "I don't think so."
She made a frustrated noise. "Why won't you let me fix things?"
He turned around, his face a mask of misery. "I'm gonna go outside for a bit," he said, heading toward the door. "I'll be back later."
Her fingers tangled in her hair, pulling at it in desperation. "What the hell am I gonna do?" she mumbled.

It took some time, but eventually she came to a decision. She turned on the house's computer terminal and started looking around online; A lot of the internet was down due to Third Impact, but a surprising amount of it had survived intact. Enough, at least, for her to find maps and a directory. She found a likely candidate near the outskirts of town, near the Hakone blast radius, and figured a route to get there. She estimated it would be about an hour each way. She packed a small backpack with food and water, and then headed outside.

As it turned out, her estimate was somewhat conservative; she got there in a little over forty five minutes. This appeared to be the right place. It was wrecked, just like he said, and there were a bunch of instruments lying around the store. It didn't take long for her to find Shinji's cello, still in its case. Per her suggestion to Shinji, she wrote a note for the owner. It was in hiragana, and it probably made her sound like a child, but whatever. That was the least of her problems at the moment.
Getting it back to the apartment proved to be a chore. The instrument itself wasn't the problem -- it was a pretty good model, and as such weighed less than three kilograms. The problem was the case, which also contained the bow, some music, and various other items. All told it weighed some fifteen kilos, nearly half of her body weight.
She tried towing it at first -- it had wheels -- but quickly found that to be cumbersome. The case also had straps, allowing it to be carried on the back like a backpack, but that meant carrying the thing's full weight. It also meant the case hit her in the thighs as she walked, which was annoying and forced her to adjust her pace. She ultimately decided on a combined approach, towing it on pavement and other smooth surfaces and carrying it over rubble or uneven ground.
Halfway home she stopped to rest. "I really hope that idiot appreciates this," she grumped, taking a swig of water. She sighed. "'I just wanted to do something nice for you,'" she mocked. She shook her head. "What a fucking idiot." She sighed again, hauled the cello onto her back, and trudged on.
By the time she got back to the apartment she was hot, sweaty, and ill-tempered. She banged loudly on the door. "Shinji, you idiot, get out here and help me!" She waited a bit, but there was no response. She banged again. "I swear to God, Shinji, if you make me dig out my keys to get in I'm gonna be pissed. Help me out here!"
Shinji opened the door. He looked irritated, but when he caught sight of her his ire turned to amazement. "Asuka . . . you . . . what did you . . . "
She ignored him, opting instead to shove the cello in his direction. "Here. It's your problem now." She stomped inside and collapsed in a chair, drinking heavily from her water bottle.
He took the case in hand by reflex, still utterly baffled by the situation. "But you said you didn't even want to hear it--"
"I never said that, you moron. I said I thought it was stupid, that's all. I don't really care if you play it or not."
He blinked in confusion, and began wheeling the cello into the living room. "But if that's true, why did you go to the trouble of bringing it here?"
She huffed in frustration. "Are you stupid?" His mouth worked, but no sound came out. She closed her eyes and forced herself to calm down. "You were moping around like a brain dead moron," she said. "You weren't paying attention to me, and you wouldn't believe me when I said I was sorry, so I had to do something to get your attention."
He shook his head. "But you don't even like it when I--"
She screamed in annoyance and stomped her foot. "Stop it!" she yelled. "Stop being stupid! God, you can be such an idiot sometimes!" He stared back at her blankly. She took another swig of water." I can't explain everything to you, dumbass. Just work it out."
Shinji scratched his head and thought about it. He still didn't get it, but this was obviously important to her. "Well then . . . is it okay if I play something?"
She clenched her fists, suddenly very angry. "Why the hell are you even asking me that? Haven't we been over this? You don't need my permission to do something you like! Jeez! If you want to play, play! You don't have to ask me if it's okay!"
He shook his head. "No, I didn't mean . . . what I meant was, would it bother you?"
She went still. All at once her anger had evaporated. "Oh," she said. "Well, that's different. I don't really c--" She caught herself. "I mean, it's fine," she murmured. "Do as you please."

"That's not the same one you played before, is it?" she asked.
He shook his head. "No, this is from an anime that aired before Second Impact. The original version used a full orchestra, and there was an a cappella version, too. But later on they came out with a cello version, and I really liked it. That store had the sheet music for it, so I figured I might as well grab it."
"Huh." She stroked her chin in thought. "I didn't put anything about that in the note."
He frowned. "How did you write that, anyway? I thought you couldn't--"
She scowled. "I'm bad with kanji, dumbass. I'm not illiterate."
He laughed. "Sorry, sorry." He leaned forward, giving her an expectant look. "Did you like it?" he asked.
She shrugged. "It was fine." She frowned in thought. "It was better than the other one," she added. "That one was kinda boring."
He gave her a stupefied look. "Did you just call Bach boring?"
She stuck out her chin. "What of it?"
He narrowed his eyes. "You do realize he was German, right?"
She flushed, then scowled at him. "You shouldn't make fun of a girl when she's complimenting your music, you jerk!"
He just laughed at her.
"I mean seriously," she grumbled.
He smiled thoughtfully. "In fairness, that's a piece that changes a lot depending on who's playing it. Cellists use it to practice -- it's pretty easy to learn, but someone who's really good can do lots of neat things with it." He laughed self-consciously. "But, ah, I'm not really all that good as a cellist, so I guess the way I play it is kinda boring."
She shrugged. "I thought it was fine."
He smiled at the compliment. "Thanks." After a moment, his smile turned into a frown. "I still don't understand what I'm supposed to do, though." He stared at the floor, bracing himself for her inevitable rebuke. When it didn't come, he chanced a sidelong glance at her.
She was playing with her hair, eyes narrowed in thought. After a time she said, "You aren't supposed to do anything, dummy." She met his gaze, and gave him a weak smile. "You keep acting like there's some magic formula that will fix everything, and all you have to do is figure out what it is. But that isn't true. You can't change what happened, and you can't change what you did, any more than I can change what I did to you. And you don't have to. You really don't. All I want you to do is be there, so I can lean on you when I need to while I work on fixing myself."
He stared at her intently, trying to process what she had said. She could almost see the gears turning in his head.
She huffed in irritation. "Do you understand what I said?"
He nodded uncertainly. "I think so. Maybe?"
"Whatever," she mumbled. "I'm tired. I'm going to bed."
He nodded. "Okay."
She got a change of clothes and headed for the bathroom. She stopped when she reached the door. "You'll be there when I wake up, right?"
He nodded. "I'll be there."
She turned and headed into the bathroom without another word.


Next: Last Saturday Night. Oh ho. Oh ho ho.
Last edited by Bagheera on Mon Aug 11, 2014 12:22 am, edited 5 times in total.
For my post-3I fic, go here.
The law doesn't protect people. People protect the law. -- Akane Tsunemori, Psycho-Pass
People's deaths are to be mourned. The ability to save people should be celebrated. Life itself should be exalted. -- Volken Macmani, Tatakau Shisho: The Book of Bantorra
I hate myself. But maybe I can learn to love myself. Maybe it's okay for me to be here! That's right! I'm me, nothing more, nothing less! I'm me. I want to be me! I want to be here! And it's okay for me to be here! -- Shinji Ikari, Neon Genesis Evangelion
Yes, I know. You thought it would be something about Asuka. You're such idiots.

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Postby pwhodges » Wed Jun 11, 2014 9:24 am

It's nice he's got the cello back, I guess, but honestly I'm a little surprised... But you know Asuka far better than I do. You slightly lost me with the violin, though; I didn't feel comfortable with that coda - the idea of duets was a bit too pat. Struggling to carry the instrument though - I've seen that enough times!

Another thing you may know better than me..., but I thought that the usual alternative to writing Kanji (which I get that she wouldn't know well enough) would be Hiragana, with Katakana being reserved for technical and loan words, and substituting for Kanji in difficult compounds.
"Being human, having your health; that's what's important." (from: Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi )
"As long as we're all living, and as long as we're all having fun, that should do it, right?" (from: The Eccentric Family )
Avatar: "It was yourself you ran away from" - episode 16. (details); Past avatars.
Can't wait for 3.0+1.0? - try Afterwards... my post-Q Evangelion fanfic (discussion)

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Postby Bagheera » Wed Jun 11, 2014 4:13 pm

Paul's right, that violin bit is terrible. I convinced myself it would work given the precedent of Death and lots of other extra-canonical references to the kids playing instruments, and further justified it via Asuka's upbringing and her status as a prodigy, but even so it just doesn't work given where the story is in the here and now. I dropped it like a bad habit and changed the ending to something better fitting the tone of the era.

He's right about Hiragana, too, so that's likewise fixed.

Work on the next scene continues. I hope people like Dr. Okada.
For my post-3I fic, go here.
The law doesn't protect people. People protect the law. -- Akane Tsunemori, Psycho-Pass
People's deaths are to be mourned. The ability to save people should be celebrated. Life itself should be exalted. -- Volken Macmani, Tatakau Shisho: The Book of Bantorra
I hate myself. But maybe I can learn to love myself. Maybe it's okay for me to be here! That's right! I'm me, nothing more, nothing less! I'm me. I want to be me! I want to be here! And it's okay for me to be here! -- Shinji Ikari, Neon Genesis Evangelion
Yes, I know. You thought it would be something about Asuka. You're such idiots.

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Postby pwhodges » Wed Jun 11, 2014 4:37 pm

Yea; much better. :)
"Being human, having your health; that's what's important." (from: Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi )
"As long as we're all living, and as long as we're all having fun, that should do it, right?" (from: The Eccentric Family )
Avatar: "It was yourself you ran away from" - episode 16. (details); Past avatars.
Can't wait for 3.0+1.0? - try Afterwards... my post-Q Evangelion fanfic (discussion)

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Postby AngelNo13Bardiel » Thu Jun 12, 2014 6:36 am

As usual, nothing of any real importance to add other than :thumbsup: on another good scene.
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Current avatar: PIKA PIKA MOTHERF**KER!
Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly. - Franz Kafka
Clones to the left of me, tsunderes to the right...and here I am, stuck in the middle with Shinji. - how I view my experience with Evangelion
-When it comes to Asuka/Shinji, pre-EoE is like moving Mount Everest and post-EoE is like moving the Olympus Mons. Either way, it's moving a mountain. It's just the size of said mountain.-

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Postby Bagheera » Fri Jun 13, 2014 9:14 am

This fic has gotten stupid large. Also, this is the longest scene yet, which means it's actually a proper length. So hooray, I guess? I'll probably be editing it -- I've only made a single pass through it so far -- but I wanted to get this out there for y'all to chew on. Some notes:

  • Dr. Okada, per Japanese convention, refers to people by their family names. His use of "Mr." or "Miss" parallels the article "san", and when he refers to Shinji as "Ikari" it should be read as "Ikari-kun". If there is a better way to handle this please let me know. Also let me know if I slipped up anywhere -- he shouldn't ever be calling Asuka or Shinji by their given names, and as I noted he should never call Shinji "Mr. Ikari".
  • As I've noted elsewhere, I really hate psychologists who are portrayed as cold and detached, and this is especially common in Evangelion fics. They aren't like that. They need to cultivate an atmosphere of trust and openness, and that means they need to be friendly and understanding. In that respect Dr. Okada is similar to most therapists I've met -- professional and detached, but open and good humored. I hope this came across well.
  • I think the flow of the piece works pretty well; I tried not to be repetitive, and I tried not to get too bogged down in details. If it works, tell me. If it doesn't work, tell me that too. Just tell me what you think one way or the other.

Here we go:

SPOILER: Show
June 1, 2020
When Asuka entered Dr. Okada's office she looked bitter and defeated, and far older than a mere 18 years old. She plopped down into the chair in front of his desk, every bit the image of a sulking teenager.
The doctor regarded her with interest, stroking his bearded chin with one hand. "And how are you today, Miss Soryu?"
"Tch." She shook her head.
"I take it your night with Shinji didn't go as planned?" he mused.
Asuka glared at him, but said nothing.
He sighed. "Alright, then. Why don't you start from the beginning?"
She fidgeted awkwardly in her chair. "You told me to be careful," she mumbled. "You said I shouldn't force anything."
He nodded. "Yes, I recall saying that."
She didn't reply.
He sighed. "Are you alright?" he asked, a note of concern in his voice.
She shrugged.
He waited a beat, then asked "Do you want to talk about it?"
She brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "We started out kissing, and that was fine. He's gotten okay at kissing." She flushed a bit. "But later, when we got undressed . . . " she sighed. "We were both so tense. He still doesn't like to be touched very much, and I just . . . froze up, I guess."
"Is that where things stopped, then?" he asked.
She shook her head. "I figured it'd be okay once we got into it. So I told him to keep going."
He cringed, but didn't comment further. "Go on," he said.
She was embarrassed now. "He was really nervous. He wanted to stop, but I wouldn't let him. And then he was inside of me, and it . . . " she trailed off.
He waited, giving her time to finish at her own pace.
" . . . It hurt. It really hurt. I told him to stop, and he did. He was really upset. Before I knew it he was gone, and a few minutes later Misato showed up. She started to panic, and I didn't get why until I looked down at her. There was . . . there was a lot of blood on the sheet." She gave him a blank stare. "I guess I bled more than usual? I mean, I thought that was normal, but she was acting like I was really injured somehow."
He nodded. "Sometimes it happens like that. It's different for everyone."
She shrugged. "I guess. Anyway, she made sure I was alright, and then asked if Shinji had hurt me or something." She scoffed. "Like he could actually do something like that."
"Well," he noted, "people can do some pretty extreme things in the heat of the moment, things that would be grossly out of character otherwise. I imagine she felt she had to rule out the possibility, for both your sakes."
She shrugged again. "Whatever. Anyway, after that she helped me clean up and change the sheets and stuff. She left after that, and Shinji came back, but he could barely even look at me. He acted like he thought he was a rapist or something." She shook her head despondently. "It'll be forever before he'll even consider doing anything like that again. And now I'm so damn mad and distracted and miserable that I can't even focus on work or studies or anything."
He frowned, then checked his notes. After a moment he said, "Last week you said, 'I want to get it over with. I'm tired of being this broken little girl, this stupid freak who can't function like a normal human being. I just want it over.' Do you remember that?"
"Yes," she admitted.
"Do you still feel that way?" he asked.
Silence.
"Miss Soryu--" he pressed.
"I don't know," she said.
"Miss Soryu, this isn't something you can resolve with brute force," he said gently. "Don't you think it's time you addressed the problem directly?"
She stared at him with trepidation in her eyes. "Just thinking about it scares the hell out of me."
He gave her a reassuring smile. "That's understandable," he said, "but your recent actions indicate a clear desire to resolve this issue. Dancing around it like this is only going to hurt you, as you've already seen."
She closed her eyes, then let out a deep, steadying breath. "Alright," she whispered. "I guess I have no choice at this point."
He nodded. "If you're certain, I'll schedule an appointment with Dr. Sakishima at her earliest convenience."
"Fine," she said.
"Alright then." He made a note in his notebook. "Let's move on. How would you characterize your relationship with Shinji now?"
She frowned in thought. "Strained."
"Is that something you'd like to talk about?"
"I don't know." She scratched her head. "He keeps acting like he did something wrong. I told him it wasn't his fault, but he won't listen."
"How did you tell him?" he asked.
She glared at him. "What does that mean?"
"Well," he began, a wry smile on his face, "did you actually discuss the issue, or did you just call him an idiot and tell him not to worry about it?"
She flinched as his remark struck home. "You act like it's as easy as talking about the weather," she mumbled.
"Of course it's difficult," he chided. "Most things of worth are."
"Tch."
He sighed, then crossed his arms. "Okay," he said patiently, "let's try another approach. How much time have you spent together since Saturday?"
She snorted. "As little as possible. Right now things are just . . . " She waved her arms in frustration. " . . . awkward."
"I see," he mused. "Yes, I'm sure avoiding one another will patch things up nicely."
She glared again, but said nothing.
"Why don't you start with something simple?" he suggested.
"Like what?" she asked.
He shrugged. "How about a date? A movie perhaps."
She eyed him incredulously. "Are you stupid? How do you expect a movie to fix this shit?" she spat.
He held up a hand. "Take it easy, Miss Soryu." She huffed and went back to studying her toenails. "Given your recent difficulties it's understandable that talking things out would be difficult at the moment. But even so, making an effort to spend time with him might help thaw things out. At the very least it would show him that you aren't angry with him."
She frowned. "I don't know. Maybe."
"Why don't you give it a try and let me know how it goes." He checked his schedule. "It looks like I have an appointment with him scheduled for later this week, so I'll see if I can help move things along on that front. Additionally, I'd like to schedule a joint session for you two sometime next week. Would you be amenable to that?"
She shrugged. "Whatever."
"Alright then." He looked at his watch. "Let's stop here for today. Unless there was anything else you wanted to talk about?"
She shook her head.
He nodded. "Very well. Be well, Miss Soryu.
She made a face, heading for the door. "Yeah, I'll get right on that."


Upcoming scenes:
??/07/2016 - Shinji and Misato, right after Asuka leaves for Kyoto
??/??/???? - Shinji and Dr. Okada
??/11/2018 - Asuka and Hikari
??/??/2019 - Shinji's confession
??/??/2020 - "Soryu lives!", aka "Kensuke, what the fuck did you do?"
??/03/2021 - O-ki-na-wa!
~2022 - What the devil does Asuka do, anyway?
~2022 - Shinji's early days at Herz
~2024 - Homecoming
~2026 - Rebirth (true)

I think that's all I have planned for the moment. Stay tuned.

Edit: Fixed some stuff, mostly polish. Didn't change anything substantially, it just reads better now.
Last edited by Bagheera on Sun Aug 03, 2014 2:21 pm, edited 15 times in total.
For my post-3I fic, go here.
The law doesn't protect people. People protect the law. -- Akane Tsunemori, Psycho-Pass
People's deaths are to be mourned. The ability to save people should be celebrated. Life itself should be exalted. -- Volken Macmani, Tatakau Shisho: The Book of Bantorra
I hate myself. But maybe I can learn to love myself. Maybe it's okay for me to be here! That's right! I'm me, nothing more, nothing less! I'm me. I want to be me! I want to be here! And it's okay for me to be here! -- Shinji Ikari, Neon Genesis Evangelion
Yes, I know. You thought it would be something about Asuka. You're such idiots.

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Postby Bagheera » Fri Jun 13, 2014 6:32 pm

Gods damn it. I can relate to Rommel on so many levels right now . . .
For my post-3I fic, go here.
The law doesn't protect people. People protect the law. -- Akane Tsunemori, Psycho-Pass
People's deaths are to be mourned. The ability to save people should be celebrated. Life itself should be exalted. -- Volken Macmani, Tatakau Shisho: The Book of Bantorra
I hate myself. But maybe I can learn to love myself. Maybe it's okay for me to be here! That's right! I'm me, nothing more, nothing less! I'm me. I want to be me! I want to be here! And it's okay for me to be here! -- Shinji Ikari, Neon Genesis Evangelion
Yes, I know. You thought it would be something about Asuka. You're such idiots.

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Postby ChaddyManPrime » Fri Jun 13, 2014 7:09 pm

^
How so bro?
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Postby xanderkh » Fri Jun 13, 2014 8:52 pm

^^

Yeah dude, is something wrong?

I thought this last chapter was great, showing that Asuka is at least making some progress.

Sorry if I haven't posted anything. I've been mostly out today.
"You're na�ve, Cecil. Even knowing betrayal and despair, you would depend on the whims of others?" - Golbez
---------------------------------------
Sephiroth: "Do you miss the Light?"
Golbez: "Hmph...I merely have duties to fulfill."
Sephiroth: "Too close to the brightness, and you may get scorched."
Golbz:.............
Golbez: Your loss can strengthen you.

"NGE Shinji is broken, Manga Shinji is an asshole, Rebuild Shinji is an idiot. Which is best? Uh, can I get some other options? All of these really suck." -Bagheera

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Postby AngelNo13Bardiel » Sat Jun 14, 2014 4:44 am

Now that just might have been the best piece of this fic you've given us yet. Very well done, sir. And well done on making a believable psychologist in an Evafic.

View Original PostBagheera wrote:Gods damn it. I can relate to Rommel on so many levels right now . . .


The 'lack-of-comments' thing, right? Hey, it's like I told him: just because people aren't being vocal about it doesn't mean they don't give a damn. Trust me on this: out of the hundreds (it may have even crossed four figures by now) of fics I've read, I've only left...I dunno, maybe fifty reviews/comments. No excuse why, that's simply the facts.

But the people who are being vocal, like me and Chad and xander and hodges? By all means, we're rooting for you (and whatever direction you take the characters in). :highfive:
Evangelion fan since 15 October 2002, Evangelion fanfiction writer since 1 April 2004. (FFN) (AO3)
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Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly. - Franz Kafka
Clones to the left of me, tsunderes to the right...and here I am, stuck in the middle with Shinji. - how I view my experience with Evangelion
-When it comes to Asuka/Shinji, pre-EoE is like moving Mount Everest and post-EoE is like moving the Olympus Mons. Either way, it's moving a mountain. It's just the size of said mountain.-

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Postby pwhodges » Sat Jun 14, 2014 6:32 am

And, sorry, sometimes people are just tied up; I'm currently writing 16 pages of programme notes for a concert tomorrow (in which I sing, record it, and am choir librarian as well - so yes, busy times). But don't worry, I'll be back on your case after the panic dies down.

(Later)

Read it through now. Need to think a bit about what to say... First thought is that there must be more ways that psychologists might work than I can imagine; but the way that conversation goes is utterly foreign to any of the approaches to counselling/psychotherapy that I have experienced directly, or have discussed with friends who have. :um: Nor have I had to deal with (either personally or otherwise) such broken sexuality, so I'm a bit flummoxed right now.
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Can't wait for 3.0+1.0? - try Afterwards... my post-Q Evangelion fanfic (discussion)

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Postby SEELE » Sun Jun 15, 2014 5:27 pm

I was at a psychologists a few years ago. I don't like them - they don't like me either. As i experienced my childhood memories and got through it a second time it was traumatizing. Old scars and wounds come up again. Asuka in my opinion is way to smart for this "proxy-asking-question time". You build up trust its okay ... but its important to adress the fact that psychologists also put you ideas in the head where it dont belong. My psychologists said: "You have to think of new PoV or a new direction of life because your parents are dead", but my problem was between the relation between my parents and the way i should have life my live rather than new perspectives. And some "answers" misleading the psychologists in the end. I had trust issues because i couldn't empathize with my fellow men. As soon as i realized my apathy against humans in general I started to play with my psychologists this kind of manipulative game. In the end i changed the doctor because he recieved "my therapy". Its very difficult for a smart person (like Asuka) to make any kind of therapy ... keep that in mind. This isn't a dictation ... rather a advice and some insight to my therapy and my experience. I only wanted to say something constructive about the upcoming topic and therapy.

Psychologists can easily screw things up. I would say some roleplaying with the smart Asuka is far more "ideal" to deal with her trauma because she has to empathize with herself. Also add a audio-recorder to reflect this kind of "role play". She knows that she is a bitch but its actually more important to addres sexuality problems and the way what she is saying to Shinji and force herself. If she is roleplaying Shinji she might get this point initially ... though. Adressing yourself as a bitch and understand/realize this kind of comment are to different birds. Scar Tissue (even if its a bad potray for Shinji and Asuka) had this point - selfworth is essentially for trust and this is necesserily important to make bonds. Asuka is (in my pov) kinda dependend (on Shinji) which isn't bad though ... but it doesn't help the relation in any kind. "My baka", is a good line to make it clear but still trauma's are able to work off. So for a smart and dependend Asuka you have to ask yourself if this "close" door-to-door relation to your roommate isn't a kind of sibling-relation. Asuka have to take make a gap between her and Shinj (for a short amount of time about some weeks) to realize what is important to her (her relation to Shinji at all and the trust she should have). Writting letters might be a good idea though. Keep writing stuff is (as therapy) everytime a good choice (i wrote lots of "fantasy" to deal with my parents). And the jumping point is: Asuka is on the edge - she is able to hop off the edge in one way because she is fucking smart and get things initially or she could fall of the edge. Sexuality is not something static - easy way to deal with this are couple therapy with lots of "trust" attempts. Shinji might be a good way to deal with this stuff because he suffers from serious intimiate issues. Fear of hurting her are prior examples. Swimming is a good point or something like that ... im not into couple and sexual therapy this much. I was a far more difficult case and had some "nice" disorders. I never came to the funeral of my parents ... and i still living with my gf. Not so long ago i lived with my goduncle. But the point is - there are barriers that are not passable for certain people. And btw i watched NGE after all this ... not before. That is why i love Eva so much, maybe.

Example for a way of dealing with the therapy: Asuka have to play Shinji and the pyschologist is potraying Asuka the way she is. If they are done she has to hear her recorded file and make a comment about that. The pyschologist have to adress the core problems for Asukas behaviour and explain to Asuka(as Shinji) the way she is thinking ... if she wants to understand herself. (and to a certain level she has to know this kind of stuff). For the writing of latters (could - not should happen) and absence from her beloved Shinji is important. Couple therapy could be in a pool or something like that. A intimate moment for the both of them. Simply laying in the bed won't work.


It is still a good work, though. Keep it up Bag's you are on the right way.

:asuka_happy: :asuka_thumbsup: :freud:
Edit: I still admire your work Bag's ... but may i ask why you only posting it here?
"Shinji repeatedly rises to the occasion, overcomes his own doubts and fears and puts others ahead of himself to the point of self harm. The situation overwhelms him. Victory does not define a hero. Intent does. He breaks at the end, but after inhuman, overwhelming, borderline comedic suffering." - Chuckman talking about Shinji as a hero
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Postby Bagheera » Sun Jun 15, 2014 6:19 pm

I might eventually post it at fanfiction.net as well, but I'm not a part of that community so it's not a priority. The only reason I post it here is because a few people have expressed interest in my ideas, and they're the ones who have posted in this thread already. I write the work for me, and post it here for their benefit. Anything else is superfluous.

Also, note the date. The things you describe have already happened, that's how they've gotten to this point to begin with. Though I admit, I'm not sure if EMDR is something that would happen right away or after some time has passed; I've been assuming the latter (it's one of Dr. Sakishima's specialties), but I could be way off on that. But roleplaying? Yeah, that happened right after she came back in 2018. It didn't fix her problems, but it's why she's so quick to apologize in the here and now.
Last edited by Bagheera on Sun Jun 15, 2014 6:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
For my post-3I fic, go here.
The law doesn't protect people. People protect the law. -- Akane Tsunemori, Psycho-Pass
People's deaths are to be mourned. The ability to save people should be celebrated. Life itself should be exalted. -- Volken Macmani, Tatakau Shisho: The Book of Bantorra
I hate myself. But maybe I can learn to love myself. Maybe it's okay for me to be here! That's right! I'm me, nothing more, nothing less! I'm me. I want to be me! I want to be here! And it's okay for me to be here! -- Shinji Ikari, Neon Genesis Evangelion
Yes, I know. You thought it would be something about Asuka. You're such idiots.

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Postby ChaddyManPrime » Sun Jun 15, 2014 6:30 pm

^
I still recommend EMDR anyways, just have it happen eventually.
"Look at Me!, I'm Mr. MeeSeeks!" - Mr. MeeSeeks

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Postby Bagheera » Sun Jun 22, 2014 12:41 am

After some reflection, I decided I was unhappy with the last scene. This is mainly for two reasons: first, despite my declaration that Dr. Okada reflected the psychologists I've seen in real life, that isn't really true. His demeanor was about right, but his conduct was unprofessional in a couple of ways: he asked an awful lot of leading questions, which is bad enough, and then he talked about diagnoses and such in a session. Ugh. Never had anyone do that with me, so it had to change. The second big problem is that he asked Asuka a bunch of crap about her sexuality, and then went and referred her to a specialist. But that's silly -- if he's qualified to ask those questions he should be dealing with her problems himself, and if he isn't he should refer her straight away and let the other therapist deal with it. The way I have it is . . . strange.

So, I've reworked the scene. It's shorter now, but it's a bit more accurate when it comes to the good doctor's portrayal as a psychologist. I'll be dealing with the other material in a separate scene, and append it to the reworked scene above.

On a related note, some info on the kids' psychologists:

Dr. Hibiki Okada: Dr. Hachijyo is a marriage and family therapist. He favors an Integrated Family Systems Model approach to psychological therapy, along with more traditional approaches. He was Shinji's first psychologist, and Shinji began seeing him in 2016 after Asuka left for Kyoto. He was one of the first people to return from Instrumentality. While he started his career as a child psychologist, since Third Impact he has spent a lot of time helping people cope with the things they learned about their loved ones via Instrumentality. Asuka started seeing him when she returned from Kyoto in 2018. His sense of empathy and wry sense of humor combine to make him well suited for dealing with both of the kids. His maturity likewise makes him a good foil for Misato, who sees him as the kids' guardian and also for her own issues. He is 36 years old as of 2020.

Dr. Manaka Sakishima: Dr Sakishima is a psychologist specializing in trauma therapy, mostly in children and survivors of sexual assault. She specializes in EMDR techniques for trauma therapy in conjunction with a more straightforward Jungian approach for dealing with basic issues. She has had little contact with Shinji, but spent a few sessions with Asuka helping her deal with her mother's suicide. To date they have not discussed her experiences as a pilot in any great detail, as Asuka has refused to tackle the effects of such on her growth and development (though as noted in the scene above, Asuka finally realized it was time to start addressing the matter). Dr. Sakishima emerged from Instrumentality in 2018. The experience was troubling for her, and even now it still haunts her. She is 54 years old as of 2020.

They have others, but I haven't developed those just yet. More as it comes, as usual . . .
Last edited by Bagheera on Sat Jul 12, 2014 5:37 pm, edited 5 times in total.
For my post-3I fic, go here.
The law doesn't protect people. People protect the law. -- Akane Tsunemori, Psycho-Pass
People's deaths are to be mourned. The ability to save people should be celebrated. Life itself should be exalted. -- Volken Macmani, Tatakau Shisho: The Book of Bantorra
I hate myself. But maybe I can learn to love myself. Maybe it's okay for me to be here! That's right! I'm me, nothing more, nothing less! I'm me. I want to be me! I want to be here! And it's okay for me to be here! -- Shinji Ikari, Neon Genesis Evangelion
Yes, I know. You thought it would be something about Asuka. You're such idiots.


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