Ok crew you want to do some pre reading do you? Here is chapter three of my current work, proof read as best I can.

Italic text is thoughts, and the overall writing is an improvement over other stuff i've done.



Redeeming the demon Chapter three: “ Standing alone”

Gendo Ikari walked through the dark halls of NERV. Others around him clung to light sources, a key chain flashlight, a cell phone or even cigarette lighter to guide their way in the dark. Gendo had no light, because he’d long ago become accustom to walking in darkness.

Fear of the dark, it keeps them from seeing. There is ample light they just need to let their eyes adjust.

Bewildered NERV personnel watched their Commander turn a corner, and disappear into the blackness, wondering how he can see.

Fools this building is just a pyramid cut into a collection of smaller pyramids. Once you realize the symmetric design its child’s play to know where you are at all times.

Not that that matters now, NERV is crippled without main power, and the backup systems haven’t come on yet that means the Professor has put everything into MAGI life support. Bastards had to pick now .The scrolls say and angel attack is likely and with Rei in medical our ability to respond is cut by a third.

Gendo reached the end of the hallway and opened the emergency access ladder. Climbing hand over hand into the passage, he tried to bury the anger deeper, but Rei’s face wouldn’t leave him, and one name burned into his thoughts.

Keel I know you are responsible for this black out, because it reeks of your arrogates. You wants to remind me of your position, while testing NERVS ability withstand an act of espionage of this caliber. You’ve attacked me Keel, but did you have my pilot raped? God protect you if you did, no one else will.

Because of you a whore and a traitor have been entrusted with the fate all. I can only hope I’ve kept them far enough apart to keep them from realizing it.

Exiting onto his desired floor Ikari turned to meet the gigantic form of unit one clad in its restraints. Looking up at what was at the same time everything he loved and everything he hated, put all other thoughts out of his mind.

Nothing else matters but Yui, and my reunion with her. I know she would not approve of my methods, the lives I’ve ordered snuffed out, and people I’ve used. Yui was the only one that could make a human being out of me, but in her absence I’ve had to make do on my own.

I find it strange that all the time I spent pondering the universe and my place init as a youth that I now know exactly where I am and why. I stand alone, because of weakness. Yui knew that to prove the viability Evangelion and forge a future for mankind one of us had to except the agony, and she was always the stronger.

A source of light appeared in the distance waking Gendo from his thoughts. The voice of Ritsuko Akagi calls out in the dark.

“ Ten minutes ago a technician named Huga borrowed a car and drove through a few check points. We have an Angel dripping acid on our heads. ”

Forgive me Yu.

“ My dear Doctor, I’m glad I have you to rely on at times like these. Tell me how prepared are you for what we must do?”

“ Careful Maya’s not to far behind me, don’t want her to find out do you? And to answer your question, I’ve got two officers digging the generator out of storage and we can use that to arm Unit two with the back up battery pack. ”

“ We need to prepare Unit one. ”

“ The third is unusable, mental distress has pushed his synch ratio to dangerously low levels. ”

“ The Captain and I were on the phone when the power was cut, and she didn’t mention it. No matter, assuming she’s successful we’ll have the second here shortly, and she will need to do. I’d prefer to pin my hopes on Rei, rather then an emotional brat, but we will make do until she recovers. ”

“ So you’ve made up your mind then? ”

“ If she’s alive in the morning, and she’s coherent with in a month then yes. The confusion she suffered after her first replacement lasted to long to risk unless we have no other choice. Take whatever you need from the shells to restore her body. ”

Ho Gendo, I know you love that girl even if you have trouble showing it, and me to.




Misato sat in the corner of the elevator watching Kaji alter the wiring behind the control panel, while she reflected on her orders.

Something about the way Commander talked after Kaji handed me the phone. Explaining what we needed to do, he kept hinting that I should keep “my” guard up for the saboteur, and never “you and Agent Kaji“.

The attack on Rei was to close to this to be coincidence, was the commander trying to warn me?

The scary part is I know that look in Kaji’s eyes when he’s up to something.

Kaji turned just enough to see her out of the corner of his eye.

“ So Misato, who knew Ikari was so handy? ”

“ What? ”

“ He talked us through using the emergency lights to try and get the door open. ”

As if on que the elevator door let out a dull hum and slowly started opening. Misato stood and handed Kaji back his phone.

“ It’s a good thing we’re not quite at our floor. You’ll be able to get into the shaft and use the emergency ladder to get down to the next level. There’s a back up generator on that level, if you can get it running we can start to bring NERV back to life. I’ll go get Asuka, and Shinji.”

“ Are you sure? With the Magi down, I’ll need to hit four substations to reset breakers, before I can even get started. You want me to help get Asuka, and Shinji out of the test pods first?”

The fact that you know more about the power grid then you should isn’t helping your case Kaji.

“ The Commander said theirs Angel excepted to make land fall in a hour or so, we need that power for the EVA launch system. ”

Kaji took a step closer to her and Misato tensed up.

“ How the hells he know that with the power out? ”

“ I don’t know, but we’ve got a job to do so get to it.”

Leaving Kaji in the dark, Misato walked down the hall, trying to not get lost.
As she went she idly put her hands in her pockets, finding a small palm sized package.
Removing the item and inspecting it she couldn’t help but smile.

That’s right my promotion came through, I think its official today. I should be happy I guess. I get rewarded for doing this, using children as weapons. The sad part is there really is no other way, and it’s ironic that I think that way. It could have just as easy been me in one of those things, if my father had his way.

Turning into the room containing the test chambers, Misato heard a series of dull thuds. Looking around the room for the source, her eyes fixed on Asuka’s pod. The red head sighing her guardian pounded on the glass with both fists.

Walking closer, Misato relaxed.

“ Calm down Asuka, I’ll have you out in a minute. ”

The girls face turned the same shade as her hair as she screamed into the LCL, and pointed, away from her pod toward Shinji’s.

Turning to her left Misato’s eyes fix on the window on Shinji’s pod, and her heart skipped a beat. Unlike Asuka’s that was clear enough to see the trapped pilot, Shinji’s was murky and dark.

“ Shinji! ”

Running to the rear on the pod, Misato grabbed the manual release lever. Pumping for all she was worth Misato vented the LCL and opened the hatch. Shinji’s limp form fell to floor with a wet thud, and the air smelled of bale.

Running to the boy, Misato rolled him onto his back and pushed on his chest with both hands to force the LCL from his lungs. As Shinji choked for breath Misato whispered a prayer of thanks.

“ Its ok, just breath. Everything’s ok, now Shinji. ”

Looking up at Asuka her face was contorted she could almost be crying. The new Major stood, and walked behind the other pod repeated the process of venting and opening a bit slower this time.

She watched as the red haired girl forcing the LCL from her lungs and coughing a bit as she to her first breath of air in over an hour, she spoke in an almost sobbing voice.

“ Bitch. This is your fault for not telling me. Baka got angry when I talked about Rei, and he started to scream at me. When the power went out, we both got shocked and he swallowed some LCL. Then he throw up and the pod couldn’t clean the atmosphere with no power. You almost killed him not me. ”

Knelling in front of the girl and moving a loc of wet hair from her face. Misato spoke softly, but firm.

“ Asuka when Shinji called me this morning, he was almost screaming into the phone. It was all I could do to run out the door, and you weren’t even awake yet. I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but none of it matters right now. There is an Angel over our heads by now and neither Rei or Shinji can pilot in the shape their in. We need to get you to Unit two, fast. ”

“ I have to go out there myself? ”

Hearing the tone in the girls’ voice, Misato knew it was time to act like an officer again.

“ Lets go Pilot, we’ve got a job to do. ”

Asuka watched as Misato turned from her and gently helped Shinji to his feet and whispered something softly in his ear as she helped him to walk.

Asuka’s face hardened, as she walked passed them towards the elevator.

“ Yes Sir. ”





The pain in Gendo’s hand got worse as he and three other men pulled for all they where worth on a chain that lifted Unit two’s entry plug into position.

“ You’ve got it. ”

Gendo released chain as Ritsuko spoke and mentally swore he’d find the time for a morning workout again, as he gasped for breath.

As if fate mocking his physical discomfort the over-head lights came on at, and several very tired NERV officers cursed out loud.

Looking over at the good doctor, Gendo smiled slightly as she took his glance as an order and removed her remote MAGI terminal from her pocket.

If only the rest was half as competent, Rei would be unharmed

“ We’ve have 10 to 20 minutes tops. It’s dripping acid fast, and it’s eating a hole straight for us. Good news is the things 200 feet from an EVA launch point. ”

“ Doctor, what is the location of my pilot? ”


Inside elevator 2b heading for the cage, Asuka stood silently.

Stupid fucking Shinji, why did you have to go barf in the plug? Misato why are you coddling him? I’m the one about to go fight for my life, and everyone else too. Wonder girl gets raped, and the world stops. Servers her right for living in that slum, but doesn’t anyone care about me?

Any minute that doors going to open and I’m going to have to go kill that Angel all bye myself, and that will show them that they shouldn’t treat me this way.

Across from her Shinji, could barely stand, and he looked on weakly as the German girl shook in fear of fighting alone for the first time.

I’m sorry Asuka, sorry for being weak worthless, and stupid enough to gag myself. Don’t die please; I don’t want to watch that.

The boys’ mouth moved slightly as if to speak, but an elevator door opened and his companions interrupted him by walking out. Shinji followed after a moment of confusion.


Gendo meet the group as the left the elevator, and as imposable as it seemed Shinji felt worse about himself as Misato and Gendo spoke.

“ Sir I regret to report that there was a malfunction in the test pod life support system, and the third child almost drowned. I recommend that he be held in reserve and Asuka engage the enemy in Unit two. ”

“ Captain, it was anticipated that he would be unusable, and we are prepared to proceed without him. ”

“ Major. ”

“ Yes of course, now time is short, get the girl into the plug and launch. ”

Misato watched as Gendo walked away, not even noticing the condition of his son.

Asuka walked at a quick pace to the entry plug, as Misato seemed to be holding her breath until the EVA launched and room was filled with the nose.

“ Asshole. ”

To hell with bad parenting, you do not treat some one under your command like this. This kid of disregard for the pilots is disgusting.



Asuka’s heart raced and the EVA shot up through the complex to the surface, and the waiting angel.

No Baka Shinji to slow me down this time, or Wonder-Girl. I’m all alone, and I’m fine with that, of course.

As she hit the surface and her eyes fixed on the counter to her left. 29.50 minutes of power remaining.

No power cord, no back up, all or nothing Asuka.

Moving the EVA forward she sent a mental command to release her weapon on choice from its hiding place in the upper left restraint, and took it in hand.

Maybe I should have stopped half way up and got a rifle. Wait what am I thinking those stupid things never work.

A hot burning sensation came through the EVA’s left side and she gritted her teeth as she spun the giant war machine around to meet her attacker. The giant spider like angel thrust one of its legs, and Asuka moved just enough to avoid taking a hit to shoulder.

Wait a second these aren’t the normal battlements, their buildings! No power means the city is not in its battle formation!

The beast thrust another leg to the opposite side of the EVA pinning it to the building, and lifted itself up to eye level with the trapped war machine. Its one giant eye fixed on the only thing between it and its goal, and fired another stream of acid.

In the entry plug Asuka felt burning sensation on her face and saw 25 minutes left on her timer.

Fuck this.

The clock went down to five minutes, as she brought the EVA up to full power. Asuka smiled as the acid bounced off her AT-field like rain on windshield.

“ Someone doesn’t have a very strong AT-field now does he?”

Grabbing both legs that pinned her Asuka squeezed them tightly and bent them with all her strength. The red head growled slightly as they broke in her hands, and she kicked the Angel on to its back with one shot. Moving the EVA over top of her foe Asuka smiled a little wider as she remembered something.

I dropped my knife when you hit me, so I can use my new toy now. Sorry for this really, but I’ve had a bad day, and I’m taking it out on you. No scratch that, I’m NOT sorry, bye now.

Fixing the targeting lock on the Angels core she fired the concealed spike launcher in her shoulder pillion, and watched as the Angel squirmed as it died.

Looking at her clock again she saw 2.5 minutes left, and dialing the power back the time went up to 12.5 minutes.

“ Unit two to command the angel is dead confirm. ”

Nothing but silence followed.

“ Right they are still turning the lights back on. ”

Turning the power down to life support only mode Asuka half ejected her entry plug and stood up to look around with her own eyes.

The city was a wreck from the fight and the angel’s unchallenged rampage up to this point. A powerful smell came from the leftover acid and dead angel.

“ Smells worse then Shinji. ”

Everything that happened today came back to her and she lost her smile.

“ No one is going to care are they? ”

She climbed back into the plug and waited.



Next Getting it Right Getting it Wrong.

DatDude wrote:Redeeming the demon Chapter three: “ Standing alone”

Gendo Ikari walked through the dark halls of NERV. Others around him clung to light sources, a key chain flashlight, a cell phone or even cigarette lighter to guide their way in the dark.(I'd rephrase this previous sentance) Gendo had no *incandescence*, because he’d long ago become accustom to walking in darkness.

Fear of the dark, it keeps them from seeing. There is ample light they just need to let their eyes adjust.

Bewildered NERV personnel watched their Commander turn a corner, and disappear into the blackness, wondering how he can *use a another word for, "see"*.

Fools this building is just a pyramid cut into a collection of smaller pyramids. Once you realize the symmetric design its child’s play to know where you are at all times.

Not that that matters now, NERV is crippled without main power, and the backup systems haven’t come on yet that means the Professor has put everything into MAGI life support. Bastards had to pick now. The scrolls say and angel attack is likely. Howeverr since, Rei is in medical care, our ability to respond is cut by a third.

Gendo reached the end of the hallway and opened the emergency access ladder. Climbing hand over hand into the passage, he tried to bury the anger; however Rei’s face wouldn’t leave him. One name burned into his thoughts.

Keel I know you are responsible for this black out, because it reeks of your arrogates. You wants to remind me of your position, while testing NERV's ability withstand an act of espionage of this caliber. You’ve attacked me Keel, but did you have my pilot raped? God protect you if you did, no one else will.

Because of you -a whore and a traitor- have been entrusted with the fate all... I can only hope I’ve kept them far enough apart to keep them from realizing it.

Exiting onto his desired floor Ikari turned to meet the gigantic form of Unit One clad in its restraints. Looking up at what was at the same time everything he loved and everything he hated, put all other thoughts out of his mind.

Nothing else matters but Yui, and my reunion with her. I know she would not approve of my methods, the lives I’ve ordered snuffed out, and people I’ve used. Yui was the only one that could make a human being out of me, but in her absence I’ve had to make do on my own.

I find it strange that all the time I spent pondering the universe and my place init as a youth that I now know exactly where I am and why. I stand alone, because of weakness. Yui knew that to prove the viability Evangelion and forge a future for mankind one of us had to except the agony, and she was always the stronger.

A source of light appeared in the distance waking Gendo from his thoughts. The voice of Ritsuko Akagi calls out in the dark.

“ Ten minutes ago a technician named Huga borrowed a car and drove through a few check points. We have an Angel dripping acid on our heads. ”

Forgive me Yui.

“ My dear Doctor, I’m glad I have you to rely on at times like these. Tell me how prepared are you for what we must do?”

“ Careful Maya’s not to far behind me, don’t want her to find out do you? And to answer your question, I’ve got two officers digging the generator out of storage and we can use that to arm Unit Two with the back up battery pack. ”

“ We need to prepare Unit one. ”

“ The third is unusable, mental distress has pushed his synch ratio to dangerously low levels. ”

“ The Captain and I were on the phone when the power was cut, and she didn’t mention it. No matter, assuming she’s successful we’ll have the second here shortly, and she will need to do. I’d prefer to pin my hopes on Rei, rather than that emotional brat, but we will make do until she recovers. ”

“ So you’ve made up your mind then? ”

“ If she’s alive in the morning, and she’s coherent with in a month then yes. The confusion she suffered after her first replacement lasted to long to risk unless we have no other choice. Take whatever you need from the shells to restore her body. ”

Ho Gendo, I know you love that girl even if you have trouble showing it, and me to.




Misato sat in the corner of the elevator watching Kaji alter the various wires behind the control panel, while she reflected on her orders.

Something about the way Commander talked after Kaji handed me the phone. Explaining what we needed to do, he kept hinting that I should keep “my” guard up for the saboteur, and never “you and Agent Kaji“.

The attack on Rei was to close to this to be coincidence, was the commander trying to warn me?

The scary part is I know that look in Kaji’s eyes when he’s up to something.

Kaji turned just enough to spot her out of the corner of his eye.

“ So Misato, who knew Ikari was so handy? ”

“ What? ”

“ He talked us through using the emergency lights to try and get the door open. ”

As if on que the elevator door let out a dull hum and slowly started opening. Misato stood and handed Kaji back his phone.

“ It’s a good thing we’re not quite at our floor. You’ll be able to get into the shaft and use the emergency ladder to get down to the next level. There’s a back up generator on that level, if you can get it running we can start to bring NERV back to life. I’ll go get Asuka, and Shinji.”

“ Are you sure? With the Magi down, I’ll need to hit four substations to reset breakers, before I can even get started. You want me to help get Asuka, and Shinji out of the test pods first?”

The fact that you know more about the power grid then you should isn’t helping your case Kaji.

“ The Commander said theirs Angel excepted to make land fall in a hour or so, we need that power for the EVA launch system. ”

Kaji took a step closer to her and Misato tensed up.

“ How the hells he know that with the power out? ”

“ I don’t know, but we’ve got a job to do so get to it.”

Leaving Kaji in the dark, Misato walked down the hall, trying to not get lost.
As she went she idly put her hands in her pockets, finding a small palm sized package.
Removing the item and inspecting it she couldn’t help but smile.

That’s right my promotion came through, I think its official today. I should be happy I guess. I get rewarded for doing this, using children as weapons. The sad part is there really is no other way, and it’s ironic that I think that way. It could have just as easy been me in one of those things, if my father had his way.

Turning into the room containing the test chambers, Misato heard a series of dull thuds. Looking around the room for the source, her eyes fixed on Asuka’s pod. The red head sighing her guardian pounded on the glass with both fists.

Walking closer, Misato relaxed.

“ Calm down Asuka, I’ll have you out in a minute. ”

The girls face turned the same shade as her hair as she screamed into the LCL, and pointed, away from her pod toward Shinji’s.

Turning to her left Misato’s eyes fix on the window on Shinji’s pod, and her heart skipped a beat. Unlike Asuka’s that was clear enough to see the trapped pilot, Shinji’s was murky and dark.

“ Shinji! ”

Running to the rear on the pod, Misato grabbed the manual release lever. Pumping for all she was worth Misato vented the LCL and opened the hatch. Shinji’s limp form fell to floor with a wet thud, and the air smelled of bale.

Running to the boy, Misato rolled him onto his back and pushed on his chest with both hands to force the LCL from his lungs. As Shinji gasped for breath Misato whispered a prayer of thanks.

“ Its ok, just breath. Everything’s okay now... Shinji. ”

Looking up at Asuka her face was contorted she could almost be crying. The new Major stood, and walked behind the other pod repeated the process of venting and opening a bit slower this time.

She watched as the red haired girl forcing the LCL from her lungs and coughing a bit as she to her first breath of air in over an hour, she spoke in an almost sobbing voice.

“ Bitch. This is your fault for not telling me. Baka got angry when I talked about Rei, and he started to scream at me. When the power went out, we both got shocked and he swallowed some LCL. Then he throw up and the pod couldn’t clean the atmosphere with no power. You almost killed him not me. ”

Knelling in front of the girl and moving a loc of wet hair from her face. Misato spoke softly, but firm.

“ Asuka when Shinji called me this morning, he was almost screaming into the phone. It was all I could do to run out the door, and you weren’t even awake yet. I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but none of it matters right now. There is an Angel over our heads by now and neither Rei or Shinji can pilot in the shape their in. We need to get you to Unit two, fast. ”

“ I have to go out there myself? ”

Hearing the tone in the girls’ voice, Misato knew it was time to act like an officer again.

“ Lets go Pilot, we’ve got a job to do. ”

Asuka watched as Misato turned from her and gently helped Shinji to his feet and whispered something softly in his ear as she helped him to walk.

Asuka’s face hardened, as she walked passed them towards the elevator.

“ Yes Sir. ”





The pain in Gendo’s hand got worse as he and three other men pulled for all they where worth on a chain that lifted Unit two’s entry plug into position.

“ You’ve got it. ”

Gendo released chain as Ritsuko spoke and mentally swore he’d find the time for a morning workout again, as he gasped for breath.

As if fate mocking his physical discomfort the over-head lights came on at, and several very tired NERV officers cursed out loud.

Looking over at the good doctor, Gendo smiled slightly as she took his glance as an order and removed her remote MAGI terminal from her pocket.

If only the rest was half as competent, Rei would be unharmed

“ We’ve have 10 to 20 minutes tops. It’s dripping acid fast, and it’s eating a hole straight for us. Good news is the things 200 feet from an EVA launch point. ”

“ Doctor, what is the location of my pilot? ”


Inside elevator 2b heading for the cage, Asuka stood silently.

Stupid fucking Shinji, why did you have to go barf in the plug? Misato why are you coddling him? I’m the one about to go fight for my life, and everyone else too. Wonder girl gets raped, and the world stops. Servers her right for living in that slum, but doesn’t anyone care about me?

Any minute that doors going to open and I’m going to have to go kill that Angel all bye myself, and that will show them that they shouldn’t treat me this way.

Across from her Shinji, could barely stand, and he looked on weakly as the German girl shook in fear of fighting alone for the first time.

I’m sorry Asuka, sorry for being weak worthless, and stupid enough to gag myself. Don’t die please; I don’t want to watch that.

The boys’ mouth moved slightly as if to speak, but an elevator door opened and his companions interrupted him by walking out. Shinji followed after a moment of confusion.


Gendo meet the group as the left the elevator, and as imposable as it seemed Shinji felt worse about himself as Misato and Gendo spoke.

“ Sir I regret to report that there was a malfunction in the test pod life support system, and the third child almost drowned. I recommend that he be held in reserve and Asuka engage the enemy in Unit two. ”

“ Captain, it was anticipated that he would be unusable, and we are prepared to proceed without him. ”

“ Major. ”

“ Yes of course, now time is short, get the girl into the plug and launch. ”

Misato watched as Gendo walked away, not even noticing the condition of his son.

Asuka walked at a quick pace to the entry plug, as Misato seemed to be holding her breath until the EVA launched and room was filled with the nose.

“ Asshole. ”

To hell with bad parenting, you do not treat some one under your command like this. This kid of disregard for the pilots is disgusting.



Asuka’s heart raced and the EVA shot up through the complex to the surface, and the waiting angel.

No Baka Shinji to slow me down this time, or Wonder-Girl. I’m all alone, and I’m fine with that, of course.

As she hit the surface and her eyes fixed on the counter to her left. 29.50 minutes of power remaining.

No power cord, no back up, all or nothing Asuka.

Moving the EVA forward she sent a mental command to release her weapon on choice from its hiding place in the upper left restraint, and took it in hand.

Maybe I should have stopped half way up and got a rifle. Wait what am I thinking those stupid things never work.

A hot burning sensation came through the EVA’s left side and she gritted her teeth as she spun the giant war machine around to meet her attacker. The giant spider like angel thrust one of its legs, and Asuka moved just enough to avoid taking a hit to shoulder.

Wait a second these aren’t the normal battlements, their buildings! No power means the city is not in its battle formation!

The beast thrust another leg to the opposite side of the EVA pinning it to the building, and lifted itself up to eye level with the trapped war machine. Its one giant eye fixed on the only thing between it and its goal, and fired another stream of acid.

In the entry plug Asuka felt burning sensation on her face and saw 25 minutes left on her timer.

Fuck this.

The clock went down to five minutes, as she brought the EVA up to full power. Asuka smiled as the acid bounced off her AT-field like rain on windshield.

“ Someone doesn’t have a very strong AT-field now does he?”

Grabbing both legs that pinned her Asuka squeezed them tightly and bent them with all her strength. The red head growled slightly as they broke in her hands, and she kicked the Angel on to its back with one shot. Moving the EVA over top of her foe Asuka smiled a little wider as she remembered something.

I dropped my knife when you hit me, so I can use my new toy now. Sorry for this really, but I’ve had a bad day, and I’m taking it out on you. No scratch that, I’m NOT sorry, bye now.

Fixing the targeting lock on the Angels core she fired the concealed spike launcher in her shoulder pillion, and watched as the Angel squirmed as it died.

Looking at her clock again she saw 2.5 minutes left, and dialing the power back the time went up to 12.5 minutes.

“ Unit two to command the angel is dead confirm. ”

Nothing but silence followed.

“ Right they are still turning the lights back on. ”

Turning the power down to life support only mode Asuka half ejected her entry plug and stood up to look around with her own eyes.

The city was a wreck from the fight and the angel’s unchallenged rampage up to this point. A powerful smell came from the leftover acid and dead angel.

“ Smells worse then Shinji. ”

Everything that happened today came back to her and she lost her smile.

“ No one is going to care are they? ”

She climbed back into the plug and waited.

Alright, I corrected half of it but then stopped, you are making the same mistakes.

You overuse commas. This is called "comma splicing" try to use less commas and instead semicolons and dashes to symbolize side notes or connect sentances.

You also overuse the word, "see" and some other basic words. It will help your writing a lot if you find synonyms for common words.

For example, instead of light, you can say, "incandescence."

Alright, besides that, it was very good. ^^

I see said the blind man.

It seems I have a bit of a n00b problem that can best be solved by going over it again myself and useing a thesaurus.

I'll work with what you started and edit my original post to keep thread size down.

DD

This is an example of the sort of proofing I'll do. This is about a third of it. More likely to come via PM.

DatDude wrote:Gendo Ikari walked through the dark halls of NERV. Others around him clung to light sources, a key chain flashlight, a cell phone or even cigarette lighter to guide their way in the dark. Gendo had no light, because he’d long ago become accustom to walking in darkness.

Simple typo - long ago become accustomed
Suggestion - Gendo had no light -- he’d long ago become accustomed to walking in darkness. (or colon, perhaps, instead of em-dash)

DatDude wrote:Fear of the dark, it keeps them from seeing. There is ample light they just need to let their eyes adjust.

Bewildered NERV personnel watched their Commander turn a corner, and disappear into the blackness, wondering how he can see.

Simple typo - how he could see.

DatDude wrote:Fools this building is just a pyramid cut into a collection of smaller pyramids. Once you realize the symmetric design its child’s play to know where you are at all times.

Simple typos - Once you realize the symmetric design, it's child’s play - comma and apostrophe.

DatDude wrote:Not that that matters now, NERV is crippled without main power, and the backup systems haven’t come on yet that means the Professor has put everything into MAGI life support. Bastards had to pick now .The scrolls say and angel attack is likely and with Rei in medical our ability to respond is cut by a third.

Full-stop, colon or em-dash rather than comma - Not that that matters now -- NERV
Full-stop - haven’t come on yet. That means
Simple typo - now .The - space after the full stop.
Mark out parenthetical clause - and, with Rei in medical, our ability to respond is cut by a third.

DatDude wrote:Gendo reached the end of the hallway and opened the emergency access ladder. Climbing hand over hand into the passage, he tried to bury the anger deeper, but Rei’s face wouldn’t leave him, and one name burned into his thoughts.

Run-on sentence - but Rei’s face wouldn’t leave him. One name burned into his thoughts.

DatDude wrote:Keel I know you are responsible for this black out, because it reeks of your arrogates. You wants to remind me of your position, while testing NERVS ability withstand an act of espionage of this caliber. You’ve attacked me Keel, but did you have my pilot raped? God protect you if you did, no one else will.

Because of you a whore and a traitor have been entrusted with the fate all. I can only hope I’ve kept them far enough apart to keep them from realizing it.

Simple typo - comma needed after Keel (or exclamation mark).
Simple typo - it reeks of your arrogance
Suggestion - this black out. It reeks of your arrogance.

DatDude wrote:Exiting onto his desired floor Ikari turned to meet the gigantic form of unit one clad in its restraints. Looking up at what was at the same time everything he loved and everything he hated, put all other thoughts out of his mind.

Simple typo - comma needed after floor, comma not needed after hated

DatDude wrote:Nothing else matters but Yui, and my reunion with her. I know she would not approve of my methods, the lives I’ve ordered snuffed out, and people I’ve used. Yui was the only one that could make a human being out of me, but in her absence I’ve had to make do on my own.

Suggestion - ...snuffed out, the people I’ve used.

DatDude wrote:I find it strange that all the time I spent pondering the universe and my place init as a youth that I now know exactly where I am and why. I stand alone, because of weakness. Yui knew that to prove the viability Evangelion and forge a future for mankind one of us had to except the agony, and she was always the stronger.

Simple typos - pondering the universe, and my place in it, as a youth; commas around the parenthetical clause to prove the viability Evangelion and forge a future for mankind; accept the agony
Suggestion - rather than that ... that, perhaps that despite ... ,

DatDude wrote:A source of light appeared in the distance waking Gendo from his thoughts. The voice of Ritsuko Akagi calls out in the dark.

“ Ten minutes ago a technician named Huga borrowed a car and drove through a few check points. We have an Angel dripping acid on our heads. ”

Forgive me Yu.

Simple typos - comma after distance; Huga -> Hyuga (or Hyuuga); Yu -> Yui; calls -> called (mixed tenses); needless space after opening quote mark.

DatDude wrote:“ My dear Doctor, I’m glad I have you to rely on at times like these. Tell me how prepared are you for what we must do?”

“ Careful Maya’s not to far behind me, don’t want her to find out do you? And to answer your question, I’ve got two officers digging the generator out of storage and we can use that to arm Unit two with the back up battery pack. ”

Simple typo - full stop (or exclamation) after Careful.
Suggestion - out of storage. We can - sounds more natural.

DatDude wrote:“ We need to prepare Unit one. ”

“ The third is unusable, mental distress has pushed his synch ratio to dangerously low levels. ”

“ The Captain and I were on the phone when the power was cut, and she didn’t mention it. No matter, assuming she’s successful we’ll have the second here shortly, and she will need to do. I’d prefer to pin my hopes on Rei, rather then an emotional brat, but we will make do until she recovers. ”

Simple typos - No matter. Assuming; rather than an
Unclear writing - and she will need to do - is this and she will have to do or and she will do what we need

DatDude wrote:“ So you’ve made up your mind then? ”

“ If she’s alive in the morning, and she’s coherent with in a month then yes. The confusion she suffered after her first replacement lasted to long to risk unless we have no other choice. Take whatever you need from the shells to restore her body. ”

Simple typo - comma after month; with in -> within; to -> too (too long); comma (or em-dash, or full stop) after risk.

DatDude wrote:Ho Gendo, I know you love that girl even if you have trouble showing it, and me to.

Simple typo - me too.

Excising doubled post - I shouldn't interleave installing software and writing to the forum.

Thnks for your efforts gentalmen.

DatDude wrote:Thnks for your efforts gentalmen.

*thanks for your effort gentlemen.

=p

TsubasaNoKoikokoro wrote:You overuse commas. This is called "comma splicing" try to use less commas and instead semicolons and dashes to symbolize side notes or connect sentances.

You also overuse the word, "see" and some other basic words. It will help your writing a lot if you find synonyms for common words.

For example, instead of light, you can say, "incandescence."

I actually found more cases where there was no punctuation, and a comma (or something stronger) should have been used.

There is nothing wrong with re-use of simple short punchy words (say, see); it is preferable to eschew obscurantism. Words like "glow" and "brightness" with Germanic roots are usually better than Latinate ones like "incandescence" or "illumination" except when you are writing detailed technical prose that needs the distinction, or you are using them in dialogue (or interior monologue) and want to convey something about the person in the way they use words.

Taking an example of the latter, when I've written Dirty Pair fics, I've kept Kei's vocabulary bounded and down-to-earth, but Yuri's allowed to be rather more high-flown in her choice of words (Kei would never use "proprioception"; Yuri would and does).

Missed one

DatDude wrote:Fear of the dark, it keeps them from seeing. There is ample light they just need to let their eyes adjust.

Fear of the dark, it keeps them from seeing. There is ample light -- they just need to let their eyes adjust.

Em-dash or full stop

Tines are you now or have you ever been an english teacher?

I deny everything!

All I have done in that line is a little mentoring in business writing to pass on to colleagues the tips and techniques I've picked up in the school of hard knocks. It's a combination of having read voraciously, needing to do a lot of technical writing (and reviewing same) in the day job, and having written fiction for fun for about 35 years now.

Thank you both for your effort.

I've made a large truck load of minor changes, with reguard to coma's and such.

Character actions I've let as I had them. I've reasons for almost everything you pointed out.

I now feel its ready to post so it'll be live on FFN in a bit.

Thank you again, and I'll email ya chapter four when its done.

Mr. Tines wrote:I deny everything!

Aren't you a Cambridge man, Tines? Not everyone can go to Duke, but still ;)...

In any case, I bow before my English cousin, who has restored my faith in that insular people's ability to speak and write their own language.[1]

I think he's caught all of the grammatical mistakes, so I won't go over this again, and am curious to see it up on the Web. As far as the writing goes, I might suggest considering a different narrative standpoint if you're going to continue to delve into Gendo's brain so much. It especially helps by keeping verb tenses more consistent.

Actually, I haven't done any writing in a long while, and it would be fun for me to take a stab at a few examples. Excuse me if I take some liberties with your original prose (I promise not to steal your story for my own).

For instance, the first paragraph from the first-person:

The people around me clung to whatever light they could, flashlights, mobile phones, and cigarette lighters. But I knew it was only the fear of the dark that kept them from seeing; there was already enough light here if they would just let their eyes catch it.

And again from a more limited third-person:

Gendo Ikari walked through NERV's dim halls. While others around him clung to tiny points of light, from flashlights or even their cell phones, he walked on empty-handed. Darkness was nothing new to him, and he looked down superciliously on his companions who feared it. Watching him turn a corner into pitch black, the others with him wondered at his ability to navigate the halls.

---------------
[1] To see what destroyed it in the first place, look here and scroll down.

I tend to keep Gendo's thoughts on the for front for two reasons.

1.) The man dosn't talk much in the series.

2.) The things I need him to " say " he really can't untill he's emotionaly ready. Assuming redemptions even possable for this guy.

The narative I like the way it is. It lets me cut to Gendo, and away from him easy. Like theirs a camra floating around, that tapes what going on, and peeks into their brain a bit.

It makes sence in my sick little mind.

drinian wrote:Aren't you a Cambridge man, Tines? Not everyone can go to Duke, but still ;)...

And for my Cambridge Entrance exams, I only just scraped a pass on the "Use of English" paper. I have the benefit of 30 years more practice since then; and having been at school when they still taught spelling, grammar and punctuation rather than letting kids just "express themselves".