I talked to "DatDude" yesterday and it actually helped a lot. The conversation is personal but I want to share a tiny bit that will perhaps guide you guys to understanding why I think everyone hates me... even if they don't... But really... I want no comments on the following conversation at all on the forum in public. Please... And I am not craving sympathy... All I want is for people to understand why I am so... for lack of a better word... unusual.
[21:55] WatashiNoChigiri: I feel inclinded to tell you why I think everyone hates me for some reason.. It just feels comfortable talking...
[21:56] riftmkr001: please tell me if im makin sece at all
[21:56] riftmkr001: shoot
[21:57] riftmkr001: Type away im here
[21:57] WatashiNoChigiri: Hiromakuta: Well... You really are like Shinji. Laughing
So it might help you if I say his defects:
1º He doesn´t read or think about philosophy, so he never encountered with long-term purpose or for that matter, a purpose for his life.
2º He is a cry-baby. Sure everyone has problems and has it´s bad moments (at least for the fortunate people that live well in that time and age, when compared to other millions of people), but come on Shinji (and that goes for you two Asuka, but not for you Rei, since you are incapable of subversive thoughts.) you actually have an above average life when compared to other millions of people that STARVE just so you could cry and wine and scream and cry again with your ass inside of a fucking overpriced Evangelion. If you went to meet someone that is suffering for your mumbling, I´m pretty sure that your first priority would be piloting Eva (tough you would actually hasten the Third Impact, but what counts is the intention... right?), and you also would donate many parts of Shoguki for the ones who need them most (NERV or the poor, how the hell should I know? In this messed up world, I think it would be the dolphins.).
3º He runs away due to a lot of reasons. Godammit Shinji! Now I know why you´re so thin! You are training so you can become the greatest endurance athlete ever. The problem is... You don´t even know it! If you knew that, you wouldn´t have such a negative outlook of yourself. Well, I guess you at least don´t run away because you don´t want to run away, or that fallacy came through your mind? It´s better to assume that it did.
[21:58] WatashiNoChigiri: Mr Tines: Not horrible, just young. I would have guessed you're younger than you are. You are kinda immature.
[21:59] WatashiNoChigiri: [14:12] Dragon who loves a monkey: Snob.
[22:00] WatashiNoChigiri: [19:32] Kiara: But seriously Dan....how could you forgive Mia for saduing you and lying to you but you cant forgive me for just breaking up with someone?
[19:32] Darkbyte(Translating Japanese manga T.T): I am tired of people. I am tired of everyone.
[19:33] Kiara: Maybe if you didnt argue and yell at people's reasons you wouldnt have to be tired of them.
[19:33] Darkbyte(Translating Japanese manga T.T): Maybe it's because I didn't. I have never yelled at you before have I? No.
[19:34] Kiara: You were just arguing with me, calling me a liar. Jerk!
[22:02] WatashiNoChigiri: [18:47] Dragon who loves a monkey: You hate me then?
[18:47] Darkbyte(Is pain when you don't know what yuo are feeling?): No...
[18:48] Darkbyte(Is pain when you don't know what yuo are feeling?): I never hated anyone besides myself.
[18:48] Darkbyte(Is pain when you don't know what yuo are feeling?): And even if I am cured of that proble,.
[18:48] Dragon who loves a monkey: Then what were the feelings for me?
[18:48] Dragon who loves a monkey: Respect? Sympathy? No wait, that is just what you want for yourself.
[22:03] WatashiNoChigiri: [16:24] Dragon who loves a monkey: Cock
[16:24] Darkbyte(I've become so numb...): Wha?
[16:24] Dragon who loves a monkey: I need *sex*
[16:24] Darkbyte(I've become so numb...): Hm... Why?
[16:25] Dragon who loves a monkey: I horny
[16:25] Dragon who loves a monkey: I want to push nails into your neck and force you to kiss me.
[16:25] Dragon who loves a monkey: Mmmm
[16:25] Dragon who loves a monkey: Please Dain
[16:25] Darkbyte(I've become so numb...): What why?
[22:05] WatashiNoChigiri: Those are quotes from people I have met...
And at an early point on the conversation:
[21:03] WatashiNoChigiri: No one ever takes me seriously because I happen to be an Eva fan and people say I act too much like Shinji to be telling the truth when in fact I didn't see Eva until much later after I started thinking everyone hated me.
[21:05] riftmkr001: If I may ask with out going to far how old are you?
[21:05] WatashiNoChigiri: .....
[21:05] WatashiNoChigiri: *thinks for a moment*
[21:05] WatashiNoChigiri: 13...
[21:07] riftmkr001: I was pretty un liked at that age
[21:07] riftmkr001: Dealing with people in genral has never been my thing, and I didn't really have a circle fo friends till I was in HS
[21:08] riftmkr001: So im not going to cauch the "thats not true" line at you.
[21:09] riftmkr001: As for the Shinji bit hes pretty bad but you have any of the good parts?
[21:09] WatashiNoChigiri: I don't...
[21:11] riftmkr001: You want to tell me why you feel this way? Its pretty bad.
[21:11] WatashiNoChigiri: I don't know... I bet I am just craving sympathy... I don't deserve to tell you.
[21:12] riftmkr001: If it matters at all situation can chang, and you can make your life better. No convince me other wise
[21:13] WatashiNoChigiri: Everyone hates me... Okay?
[21:14] riftmkr001: I get that
[21:15] riftmkr001: Im just saying things change and won't be stuck be hated for ever
[21:16] WatashiNoChigiri: Well.... I don't know... I hate myself... because I am a bad person...
[21:16] WatashiNoChigiri: And everyone must hate me then.
[21:18] riftmkr001: Why do you hate your self
[21:18] WatashiNoChigiri: Because I am a bad person...
[21:18] WatashiNoChigiri: Because I've hurt a lot of people...
[21:19] riftmkr001: How?
[21:19] WatashiNoChigiri: Because... I have done a lot of bad things.... Personal things...
[21:20] riftmkr001: K
[21:20] riftmkr001: If you can forgive yourself and move on?
[21:21] WatashiNoChigiri: I don't know... It isn't that easy... I should've never brought this up...
[21:21] riftmkr001: Its cool if you want to talk about some else
[21:22] WatashiNoChigiri: *sigh* I'll tell you why I am depressed but this may take awhille.... Are you sure?
[21:22] riftmkr001: Sure im not going anywere
[21:23] WatashiNoChigiri: Well... It all starts with my sensitivity to being calleda crybaby... You see... when I was little I used to cry a lot... And then oneday my father called my crybaby... It's forever stuck in my mind and now I am sensitive to that word... My father is kind.. very kind... but he often will say things without thinking that can be very hurtful... He has slapped me before over tiny little things. But even with a short temper, he is a great guy.
[21:25] WatashiNoChigiri: I had a fair childhood. A mother who is very kind and a father who is also very kind. But my school life wasn't very good...
[21:26] riftmkr001: K
[21:28] WatashiNoChigiri: Around 7th grade... people started shunning me and abbondoning me... I lost all my friends at that time and I got absorbed into the iternet in hopes of exprecing my woes. I have a sister who I feel like always got more attention then me... I often felt that I was irgnored and only my older sister was concindered. I was her shadow and I was only known by most people has "That girl's brother" not by my name "Daniel." I eventually devolped a large crush on a girl. WHen I asked her to date me though, she rejected me saying that we were too diffrent. This happened on Halloween night last year and around that time I became suicidal.
[21:30] WatashiNoChigiri: I got profesional help and was prescribed a drug to take. But it didn't help. Infact it made everyhting worse and I still had no friends. As the New Year came around I ended up with two people who could understand me. Their names were Toby and Matt. However, we were all outcasts and reffred to as the "three stooges." But atleast I had friends. Eventually I started dating someone but in only a few months I was cheated on. I was in a state of despair for a while... But I met another girl... she acted like a second mother to me and helped me very much...
[21:33] WatashiNoChigiri: She told me that I acted like Shinji from Evangelion and told me to watch teh show and it would make me feel better about myself... Of course, at this point my life spiralled into a black pit. She was talking to me one day when she began to attempt to suduce me... I was shocked and soon she began talking about things reminiscnt of Eva. She told me there was such thing as... well... it's ahrd to talk about this bit but... "magic" ... She told me I was a rare breed of people who could use this magic and I needed to use it to protect the world... I didn't believe it at first but she literally seduced me and asked me to go out with her... I agreed... for a moment forgetting that she was currently dating someone...
[21:34] WatashiNoChigiri: She began to teach me about this "magic" and I really did belive her... But I was afraid of the responsibility... And in addition I still had very few friends and many people were hurting me and the Medication didn't help... So I ran away from home. By train... I went to the city. I was eventualyl found and policemen brought me back home... My mom was so upset and I just hated myself for making her so upset...
[21:37] WatashiNoChigiri: I came home and almost imediatly the girl who told me about magic stopped dating me and went out with her old boyfriend with only one sentance to me, "If you were a better person it could've worked out..." Soon... I began acting more and more like Shinji from Evangelion. But it wasn't until three months later I actually started watching Eva. I was amazed that things I often said also happened to be said by Shinji... I watched the series through and began to cry... I just hated myself more now. And soon when I tried to find help, people started calling me a crybaby and a sympathy hog... WHich I guess is true... Then... I found out my only two friends were moving away. And I wouldn't see them. I submerged myself in the internet again only to find that everylone hated me and thought I was a jerk and a crybaby.
And again I say, any comment in public relating to this conversation I will smite the poster ten time over. And yet again, I ask that you not think of any of this when considering me as a person. I... well... All of those things i told "DatDude" I am only sharing here for two reasons:
1. To get something off my chest.
2. So you guys will have an easier time perhaps understanding me as a person...
I thank you all if you can give for my sins, I will be checking this thread and depending on what happens... I may return...
Sincerly,
Tsu-chan
