My Eva Novel

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anatrok
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My Eva Novel

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Postby anatrok » Tue Feb 08, 2005 4:44 pm

Well awile back I asked about an Eva novel, but there wasn't one. After wait a month (or was it two), I figured I was better off doing in myself. So far I got 10 pages, since Sunday. Now this is in a notebook, I write all my stuff first, and this is the first one to get typed up. The other's are pretty crapy so, you ain't getting them. But this one you'll get.

Here is the begining of chapter one:

Edit: Eh, might help if I added it eh

Ok for real here's the begining of chapter one:



As my bones grew they did hurt,
They hurt really bad.
I tried hard to have a father,
But instead I had a dad.



I never really had any hobby. I was never really interested in a specific career. Usually I just did whatever people told me to do. I never really cared if I got into a car accident and died or something. I suppose that sounds stupid. I don't care.

I wonder what my Dad wants with me. I mean he does not want to just hang out. Bastard always wants something. Some lady, Misato, was supposed to pick me up at the train station. She sent me a picture of herself, showing off her... um...well endowment? And she was my Dad's what?

I tried to get to next train, but it seamed it wasn't working. A sign said all the trains were closed.

"Damnit. Figures, stops close enough for me to be able to walk the last three stations, but far enough to still be a pain in the ass." Whatever. Then I heard a loud scream overhead. I looked up and saw some fighter jets flying really low overhead.

Then I saw it. It was big, and by big I mean like twenty or thirty meters tall. It was Humanoid and mostly black except for big round, smooth "things" on its shoulder, with black holes in them. I also had a bony outer ribcage with a big red "marble" in its chest. Its elbows had pointy objects jutting out of them. Its hand looked like claws, and its face reminded me of a bird.

The jets I saw a second ago were firing at the giant. Man what the hell was going on. I heard the screech of tires, turned around and saw a blue Alpine A310 (I didn't know I knew that). The drivers door opened, followed by a gorgeous chick (woman, Shinji, woman) looking at me.

"Heh, sorry I'm late," She said. "You’re Shinji, right?" For you I, I'll be whomever you want.

"Yes, then your Misato."

"Yeah, now get in."

I got in the car and Misato raced through Tokyo 3. Damn, this was surreal. I want to know what the hell was going on!

"Um.. Misato, what’s going on, you know with Black Big Bird, and stuff?"

"You know your pretty calm, given the circumstances. "Big Bird" would be an Angel. The UN had a freak'n tank battalion waiting for it when it came out of the water. That was wiped out, and they didn't even leave a scratch. As you can see the Air force is crap too, so," She tried to dodge a piece of building. "Oh, Shit!" She yelled, then we were sliding, we hit the rubble, and stopped.

"Hey we can talk about this later," I offered

"Yeah, that would be good." She started off again, to wherever we were going. Damn, I had so many questions, like where were we going? What the hell was going on? What did my dad want?

"Is that what I think it is?" Misato said to her self, then here eyes widened. "Shinji! Tuck your head in between your legs and brace your self!" she said while speeding up. I looked around stupidly and saw a plane flying. Something was coming out of it. A bomb.

It was headed for Big Bird, er, the Angel. Then I shoved my head in my lap. When the bomb hit it took about two seconds for the shockwave to hit us. We flew, the car did a flip or two, then amazingly landed right side up. Then I heard the explosion and it was loud, one of the loudest, if not the, sounds I've ever heard. I think Misato yelled something, I couldn't make it out, but I doubt it was PG.




Hey, I can't indent, what gives!
Fine, I'll double space!

anatrok
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Postby anatrok » Wed Feb 09, 2005 5:37 pm

sorry for the double post, but I figured no one would know I edited my last post. I suppose the lack of comment is because your all speachless in awe (yeah keep telling your self that). But really even some kinda quick "this is total crap, go kill your self" would be nice.

Really I want to know just a couple things, like is my writing style hard to read, with me switching from thought to action without any real indicators, and if I should switch to 3rd person. And also should I wait and give a bigger updates or is 3-4 pages enough.

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Postby Hexon.Arq » Wed Feb 09, 2005 5:41 pm

It's a bit dry. I imagine Shinji, penning his thoughts, would have more to say. The entire length of what you've posted seems like a decent length for the essence of the first paragraph. The idea introduced in said paragraph is an introduction to the ordinary world; it should be fleshed-out as much as possible, not going into too much external detail, but maybe a bit of existential detail. It might be neat for him to open with an anecdote (likely of your own creation) about something that happened to him a long time ago. For instance, the first paragraph basically iterates his essay from the manga. Formatted into an essay, a piece of the past, it serves the same function. Here it just feels like a broad statement with little conviction. Another route might be an observation unique to Shinji. Rather than basically stating that he sucks, he should give a reason. Why doesn't he care? This could then be used as a thematic echo later on, whether at the end of the story, the end of the book, or just the end of the chapter.

EDIT
-----
And yes, you might consider switching to third-person. Covering the entire story from Shinji's P.O.V. (or that of any Eva character, for that matter) is not going to be the easiest thing in the world. (T.O.I.L.I. comes to mind as an instance where I feel he was done justice, though if you're an absolute purist, I wouldn't consider him the same Shinji as in the anime.) Already, the Big Bird reference not only seems out of place culturally, but also O.O.C. (at some point down the line it might fit better). The major downside to making the switch is that in first-person the descriptiveness of the writing is usually given leeway based on the perception that we are getting the story as recalled by the character. In third-person, you're going to have to do some fancy brainwork. The size of your entire excerpt would probably be a healthy amount of space to use to describe the empty streets.
Last edited by Hexon.Arq on Wed Feb 09, 2005 6:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

_you can't do anything, so don't even try
_get some help
_don't do what sonic does

anatrok
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Postby anatrok » Wed Feb 09, 2005 6:05 pm

Yeah, I agree about the Big Bird thing(and now that I read it again it sounds kinda stupid, and doesn't fit), but that's one of the problems doing this kinda thing, I don't know abunch about Japanese culture, and really even if I did, only the other people who knew what I was referencing would get it. And, when I started out I already decided I was going to change some stuff-story wise. And your right I never did say anything about the streets being empty. Really this is just an exercise in trying to improve my writing, because I have this idea for my own story, so your sugestions are greatly apreciated.


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