A Split Eva of Love


WARNING: LEMON ALERT (Hentai,sex)!!!!
By: Aaron D. S.N: Iloveallecchianime (veoh.com) -or- E-mail me at: [email protected] so message me
Notes: 1.this was created from a pic of Asuka leaning against a wooden pole.

2.If you dont like this, IVE GOT FUDGE!! *Pointing to my palm*

3.Shinji and Asuka are around 16 years old and they still live with Misato but visit Shinjis mom (she never died) who lives a few miles away from mistasos apartment in the country and Gendo is nicer but still hasn’t spoken to Shinji.

4. yes I never done it before even though im 20, mostly cause having sex is not a top priority for me now so if theres something not right tell me about it….

5.Please give a 1-100 rating!

6.This story is still not complete so ill need your ideas and depending on if its a good idea ill put you in the credits too

7.Also none of the characters are mine nor do I want to take credit for wonderful anime Evangelion (also catch rebuild of evangelion in theaters october 25, 2150!) ENYOY!!
..


After a long hard day of working the rice fields with Shinji at his moms’ country house (since she was sick) Asuka leans against a wooden pole and looks to the sky...

"BOO!!!" Yells Shinji
"AHHHH" Screamed Asuka
"HAHAHAH" laughed Shinji

He fell to the ground in uncontrolled laughter

"Oh god I’m good" he concurred
"You little!" screamed Asuka as she ran after him. After some careful footwork she tackled him and they both fell into a pile of mud...

"Got Ya!" Asuka said
"Oh yeah? TAKE THIS!" Shinji said as he kissed Asuka so fast she didn’t see it coming. They kept on kissing till Shinjis mom Yui came out and saw them rolling around in the mud.

"There yall are, come in and eat" Yui said smiling shaking her head while Shinji and Asuka both blushed heavily

Later that night.......

Shinji couldn’t sleep so he went to get a midnight snack. While he was taking a drink Asuka snuck up under the table.

"BOO!" She yelled

Shinji Jolted and spit out his drink. Asuka giggled, she thought there was something about Shinji she liked but couldn’t identify.

"I guess you got me back huh?" Shinji muttered
"Yep! HAHA" Asuka replied
"Shinji?" Asuka asked
"Yeah?" said Shinji
"Sit down, I have something to say to you" said Asuka
"Sure, anything you say" Said Shinji
"We have only known each other for about 2 years now but it seems like forever right?" said Asuka sitting across the table
"Thats true" Shinji said wiping the spill up
"I dont think it was chance or fate of us meeting....this might sound stupid but I beleive it was our enemy, the Angels who led us together" Asuka said getting out of her chair to sit next to him while gently grabbing his hand that was cleaning the table

Shinji then froze not knowing what Asuka was doing.....
"H..hey l..l..lets watch some T..TV!" Shinji studdered trying to change the topic
"Please listen Shin....you need to hear this" Asuka said cupping his left hand (The one cleaning) with both her hands while Shinji started to chug his Tea
"Well, I.....I....I don’t know how to say this b...but I think I love you" Asuka said nervously
"UHBLWAAA!!" Shinji gasped as he choked on his drink
"Shinji!!" Yelled Asuka

Later in the hospital......

Shinji awakes and can’t remember what happened

"HUH?" was his last words before he fell asleep again
“Why was he so surprised when I said I loved him?” Asuka thought when she entered shinjis room and bent over to kiss his forehead

“A…Asuka….Is that you?” Shinji mumbled
“Yes” She replied
“What the hell? I am an evangelion pilot, I can’t get in the hospital just for choking on some drink!” Shinji said making Asuka laugh.
“Well you are a wimp ya know? That just proves my theory!” Asuka explained as they both laughed hysterically

Shinji was released from the hospital the next day, and to celebrate his release Yui took everyone to some restaurant that Shinji found when he was a civilian. He couldn’t believe Asuka, His mom and dad were all together at this place. Although Misato couldn’t make it (she was still working on a new project that enables the evas to fly) he still was happy and didn’t take it for granted.

They had a good time there and Shinji never wanted it to end.

“Well we have to go so be back by midnight” Yui said calmly
“Sure, but I think well go back to misatos place” Shinji said
“Oh, alright” Yui sighed grabbing gendos ear while he tried to get in a last bite
“Bye mom” said Shinji and Asuka at the same time as they looked at each other strangely and giggled

Back at Misatos apartment……

So it was just Shinji & Asuka.
“Okay, I have an announcement!!” Exclaimed Shinji
“What now?” Asuka said totally not surprised
“Can we please cut the scaring crap? I already got in the hospital and will be paranoid if you keep doing this” said Shinji
“I agree totally” Asuka said while Shinji held his throat

“Now Shinji” Said Asuka “What did I Say last night?”
“Well….err…you…you said you loved me?” He stuttered
“CORRECT!, yes I did…..now do you feel the same? Asuka said tapping the wall nervously.
“I….I don’t know Asuka” said Shinji
“NO ONE LOVES ME!!” Screamed Asuka as she ran out the door crying -------(seem a little dramatic?)

“How can a pitiful thing like me love another!?” Shinji said to himself

Asuka found herself at the same pole she scared Shinji at. She burst into tears from not knowing if she could face him again.

“I’m not going to run away” Asuka yelled as she walked back home

At home Shinji was was already in bed. But something was wrong, he was crying though just barely.
Asuka walked in and quietly laid down next to him. Shinji looked over and was shocked! He quickly pulled the covers over his head. This act broke Asukas hope and made her do something drastic so she would not be alone.

“Please love me!” Said Asuka as she pulled out a pocketknife, sliced her wrist and wrapped her arms around him (Shinji couldn’t see this being under the covers) comforting Shinji with her warmth.

“Asuka!? Did you piss yourself?” said Shinji as he clapped to turn on the lights only to find a bloody Asuka barely conscious laughing while crying.

“WHAT THA!?” Shinji said hysterically
“I will make you love me” Asuka muttered as she passed out.

Shinji luckily didn’t faint from all the blood and carried her to Misatos motorcycle and hotwired it (remembering Toujis mischievous crimes he forced Shinji to accompany him with)

“That wont make me love you BAKA!” said Shinji as he drive in and out of traffic.

Later in the hospital <-----(Déjà-vu?)

Shinji is in the waiting room pacing while banging his head on the wall.

“She just needs some rest” Said the Doctor startling Shinji

“Thanks, I’m going to see her now” said Shinji as he heavy-heartedly walked into the cold dim lit room which reminded him of his previous visit. He waited till she woke up….

Two days later……

Shinji was sleeping in a makeshift bed comprising of three chairs and some sheets…..Asuka then woke up and looked over to a lightly sleeping Shinji…..

“What did I do? He doesn’t need this!” Asuka said with a puppy dog worried face.
“I can only cause pai…” but Asuka was cut off by a nurse walking in also waking Shinji making him fall off his bed.

“Are you ok?” said the nurse helping him up
“AM I EVER!?” Shinji said rudely
“Hey Asuka are you ok?” said Shinji kneeling down besides Asuka bed worriedly.
“Shinji…I’m such a fool to do that” Asuka cried as she got up to hug him (also pulling out an IV with this action….*déjà-vu*)

“I’m going to make this up to you” Asuka promised sealing it with a kiss to his cheek.
“Don’t worry I’m ok Asuka….now were even” He said half-jokingly as they both quietly giggled.

Both of them talked until they went to sleep….

While they slept Misato called her friends at NERV to move them to the apartment while not waking them up by sleeping gas so they would not wake up in the hospital and also She wanted to play a prank on em....
Shinji woke up first from Pen Pen picking at his pocket for some granola bars.

"Pen Pen? Why are you in the hospi....wait!! WHAT?! did I sleepwalk?" Shinji said

He sat up and found himself on Misatos tempurpedic bed next to a happily sleeping Asuka saying her dreams.

"Wake up Asuka" Shinji said rubbing her head
"Mmmmm....not there....no..I..Need....to win...please stay" Asuka mumbled

Shinji then put his hand in her bra and twisted her nipple

"OUCH!!" Asuka yelled as she sat up quickly to grab shinjis arm only to pull him to her and bump heads.
"SSsss...GOD BAKA...FUCKIN HENTAI!!" Asuka said as she slapped *POP* Shinji

There was a knock on the door. It was Rei and she let herself in.

"What are you doin here?" Asked Shinji
"Misato sent me to fix the live web cam that was suppost to come on" Rei said

10min later.....

"There....after this we will be doing a training exercise at nerv ok?" Rei calmly said
"OK" Both said sighing

After Rei left the TV came on....

"WHAT IS THIS?" Said Misato from the TV trying not to laugh

Shinji went under the covers all red as Asuka yelled

"What did you do to us?!?" Asuka asked
"Dont get so fired up like your hair" Misato said calmly "I couldnt come to get you since I still have to stay here for another 3 days with NERVS geological attachment since their commander died in a rockslide....But IVe asked Ritsuko to keep an eye on you so just call her cell if ya need anything K? And dont miss the training Shinji and run off with Touji doing mischeif" She added making Shinji put on a guilty nod

"Okok Is that all?" Asuka griped
"Fine Fine jsut be sure to be home when I get back K?" Said Misato
"ROGER!" both Shinji and Asuka said giving a salute
"HAHA...Bye" Misato said as it turned off

"What an annoying kid" said Asuka
"well thats good we get a little break" Shinji said proudly

Later that evening....

After a shorter training session cause Ritsukos house was broken into Shinji and Asuka are lying on the couch watching Anime.....

"Hey Asuka?" Said Shinji "Since we have tonight free of disturbance would you like tooooo.....order pizza?" Shinji said changing the subject in his mind
"S..Sure" Asuka said disappointed although she didnt know exactly why

Shinji got up and called the pizza place as Asuka went to the bathroom. As Asuka did her stuff Shinji looked into his wallet only to discover he had no money! Being very desperate not to ruin Asukas fun he went to Misatos bedroom and went through her drawers looking for her money stash....as he was looking Asuka got out and found Shinji looking in the last drawer (Panty)

"I dont suppose you need some clean panties?" Asuka said with a stern pale look catching him by surprise
"I...I" But as he was trying to explain she went back to the couch

Shinji embarrassed, went to explain after his head cleared

"Asuka...I was just looking for some money since I dont have any....I dont like Misato that way" Shinji explained
"I know...I just wanted to see how ya would react" Asuka sneered as she giggled "Come sit down next to me" she added patting the couch

Shinji then flopped down next to her releived

"Dont worry Shin" Asuka said as she showed him a card "This is a debit card with a lot so relax"

Just then the doorbell rang.....

"Ill get it" Shinji said

After the pizza guy left Shinji and Asuka decided to eat it on the balcony which faces a forest and a lake. The moon was out just over the forest lighting the very tops of the trees and reflecting off the water.

"Hold on" Shinji said as he made his way back inside to get some beer

As he came back he noticed there was only one chair (usually theres two) there
"Whats this about? wanna snuggle I suppose?!" Shinji said excited
"Why didnt you decide to eat out? We have lots of money" Asuka asked curiously
"Cause we couldnt do this!" Shinji said as he got on top of Asuka kissing her neck
"Mmmm" Asuka moaned "Lets eat first ok?"
"Oh alright....Im starving for pizza too" Shinji said smiling while Asuka shook her head trying to refrain from smiling too
"You really got a sick mind for suck a young boy" Asuka said with her mouth full
"Im 16! Who you calling a boy?" Shinji said as he tickled her sides
"Ahhhhhh! NO! STOP!" Asuka screamed as she almost choked on her food
"GET THE FUCK OFF! I almost ended up like you!! But at least I would choke on some REAL food and not a drink!!" Asuka said irritated
"Sorry, I just like to touch you...dont get mad please?" Shinji softly said
"Come on....sit with me....and bring some more beer" Asuka said sighing

The night was going perfectly......*WARNING PYSCHOLOGIAL STUFF AHEAD* (Is Asuka a Pyschologist?)

"Asuka...I think my brain is screwed up because on one hand I want to love you....but on the other I just want to be left alone while feeling sorry for myself" Shinji said out of the blue in a sad voice Asuka never heard before. She knew something had to change but didnt know it was in Shinji and not her.

"close your eyes" Asuka said seductivly while she clamped her arms tighter around shinjis chest (they are sitting together remeber?)
"Now think of your rage, lonliness and self loathing" Asuka said kinda franticly "Now put a face on it" she added as Shinji conjured up his dads face
"What do you see?" asked Asuka
"My dads fugly face" Shinji replied
"Good, now what else do you see?" Asuka continued
"All the annoying people who dont care, the angels trying to destroy us, my unworthyness to be happy, mistakes of mine that costed lives and doing the same damn thing every fucking day!" Shinji said with his voice getting louder
"Open your eyes now" said Asuka as she got up to put her hands on his shoulders leaning on him....as Shinji opened his eyes he saw a teary eyed Asuka..
"Dont you see? your running from the problems of your past....and you think if ya run away you are a coward that has to atone for this deed....you feel a need to love but loving another would mean youd have to take a chance of making another mistake!" Asuka said, then she got close to his face and put her hands on his cheeks.

"But arent mistakes only lessons that can make you improve? your dad may have left you and your mom to work at NERV but his still visits yall.... AND AT LEAST YOU HAVE A MOM!!!"
"I think your secretly holding a grudge against others even you dont know about....but dont do you have to be cold because your dad was? have you even talked to him since then?!! Let me take some of this pain Shinji Ikari!!! We both want the same thing.....to merge two hearts and souls even if we cant bridge all gaps!" Asuka said getting more emotional
"Is this enough? am I good enough to take some of your sin and sentance?!" Asuka cried as Shinji did too
"Asuka....we....we were always one....too many boundaries were put up.....I do want to get rid of all regrets...and....and...and can I really share my pain with you?! EVEN IF IT MEANS TO STEAL YOUR HAPPINESS?!?!" Shinji cried
"YES!! ALWAYS!" Asuka said nodding, then she hugged Shinji and kissed him harder than ever before!

(Warning....shower scene coming up >)

"And dont worry about being bored" Asuka giggled while sniffling....
"My girlfriends and I do a lot of stuff and you can some if you want to, also Misato will be happy to take you deeper into NERVE...shes always talking to me about all this cool stuff (and sometimes I dont even know what her drunk ass is talking about)" Asuka said as they both sorta laughed.

"Cheer up sweetie" Asuka said in a very girly voice which made Shinji blush and partially smile
"HA! your embarrassed of our loooovvveeee" she said tickling his legs...."Man that was intense....my mascera is running" she added
"Go take a shower while I go make OUR bed" Asuka mysteriously said while Shinji went to the shower with a *BLANK* in his head wonderin what she meant

As he was taking his shower he heard the door crack.....
"Whos there?" He said cautiously

(A minute goes by)

"Can I come in?" Asuka asked



----------------LEMON....TAKE OUT IF NECCISARY!------------------------

ROT-13 applied. Like, acid flashback, man!

"hzzz...hu....BX?" Fuvawv fnvq nf ur gevrq gb pbire uvzfrys hc
"Lbh qbag arrq gb pbire gung guvat Fuvawv....Vgf n cneg bs lbh fb vgf tbbq" Nfhxn fnvq areibhfyl ohg jvgu pbasvqrapr

Nf fur bcrarq gur fubjre phegnva fur ghearq n yvggyr erq nf Fuvawv jnf nyy erq..

"Urer....Vyy gnxr zl pybguf bss fb lbh jbag or fb areibhf" Fur fnvq chyyvat ure cnagf qbja

Fuvawv jnf pbirevat uvf snpr ohg jura Nfhxn tbg va fur gbbx uvf unaqf naq cynprq gurz ba ure oernfgf. Ur jnf funxvat nf ur arire unq n YVIR anxrq tvey va sebag bs uvz.

"L...Lbh unir irel cerggl oernfgf?" ur fnvq jvgu n fghqqre
"Gunax lbh, lbhe obql vf ubg gbb, cyrnfr qbag jbeel, Vir arire frra n anxrq thl orsber gbb" Nfhxn fnvq xabjvat abg gb pnyy uvz n obl
"Ernyyl!?" Fuvawv fnvq purrevat hc juvyr uvf funxvat fgbccrq
"V qbag jnag gb qb nalguvat lbh qbag jnaan qb" Nfhxn nffherq uvz
"Hu...Pna V jnfu lbh?" Fuvawv nfxrq
"Vq ybir gung!" Nfhxn fnvq unccvyl

Fuvawv gura tbg gur jnfupybgu naq fbnc fgnegvat ba ure yrtf juvyr nqzvevat gur fzbbguarff bs gurz. Jura ur tbg gb ure ohgg ur nyzbfg unq n abfroyrrq nf ur fgnerq ng vg

"Fuvawv jul qvq lbh fgbc?" Nfhxn jbaqrerq nf fur ybbxrq onpx fgnegyvat fuvawv bhg bs uvf genapr
"Frr fbzrguvat lbh yvxr?" Nfhxn fnvq tevaavat
"Vz fbeel, vgf whfg fb cresrpg" Fuvawv uhzoyl fnvq
"Gungf bx....tb nurnq naq gbhpu vg....vg jbag ovgr" Fur fnvq

Fuvawv ehoorq vg naq abgvprq ure chffl yvcf...ur ernyyl jnagrq gb rkcyber ure ohg jnfag fher ubj gb nfx. Yhpxvyl, Nfhxn abgvprq uvz ybbxvat haqre fb fur orag bire cergraqvat gb cvpx hc fbzr funzcbb tvivat uvz n shyy ivrj..

juvyr guvf jnf unccravat Evgfhxb pnyyrq ohg gurl pbhyqag urne vg bire gur fubjre fb fur pnzr bire gb purpx ba gurz....fur nyfb pnyyrq Zvfngb ba gur jnl bire naq gurl obgu gnyxrq nobhg jung pbhyq or tbvat ba naq pbapyhqrq Fuvawv naq Nfhxn jrer univat frk (gurl jrer unys-evtug)

Onpx gb fubjre fprar.....

"BZT! Vgf fb zhpu orggre guna zl uragnv!" Fuvawv fnvq ynhtuvat rivyl
"Cyrnfr svatre zr....V ungr gb or gur bar nyjnlf qbvat vg.....gura V pna qb lbh" Nfhxn fulyl fnvq va n fhygel ibvpr
"Gunax lbh fb zhpu Nfhxn Ynatyrl Fbehr!!" Fuvawv fnvq jvgu n frevbhf gbar

Ur gura fgnegrq svatrevat ure naq abgvprq whvprf sybjvat gung fzryyrq qryvpvbhf (V thrff gung ubj vg fzryyf)
"Ner lbh phzzvat?" Fuvawv nfxrq
"Ab...gubfr ner whfg ybir whvprf....cyrnfr yvpx gurz hc....naq zl chffl gbb" Nfhxn fnvq sehfgengrq

Fuvawv gura fgnegrq gb yvpx vg jvgu Nfhxn nyzbfg cnffvat bhg va cyrnfher zbnavat irel ybhq....

Gungf jura evgfhxb pnzr gb gur qbbe naq urneq vg!
Fur pnzr va naq jnvgrq gvyy gurl svavfurq fvapr fur xarj Fuvawv jbhyq unir oyhr onyyf vs gurl qvqag svavfu.

Nsgre n juvyr Fuvawv svanyyl tbg nfhxn bss naq fhpxrq ure chffl trggvat nyy bs vg gura fjnyybjrq

"Gung gnfgrf tbbq....V urneq vs lbh rng ybgf bs sehvgf naq irttvrf vg gnfgrf fjrrg yvxr lbhef....qb lbh rng nybg!?" Fuvawv fnvq va n pbzcyvzragnel ibvpr
"V qb ohg V nyfb rng zrng....ohg lbhe irel fjrrg gb fnl gung" Nfhxn fnvq gunaxshy vg jnf fuvawv qbvat guvf sbe ure svefg gvzr.
"Bu tbq vz fb eryrvirq!! zzzz yrg zr qb lbh abj" Fur fnvq tevaavat
"V qbag xabj vs gurerf nal yrsg fvapr V wnpxrq bss yvxr 3 gvzrf guvf zbeavat"
"NG ZR!?!? unuun whfg xvqqvat....qbag jbeel, V urneq gung vs lbh znffntr gur cebfgngr lbh jvyy phz va ab gvzr" Nfhxn fnvq

Fur gura gbbx uvf cnagf bss, gura uvf haqrejrne....gungf jura uvf uneq qvpx fanccrq onpx hc naq uvg ure abfr...

"Bj!" Fur fnvq
"Fbeel" Ur fnvq

Fur fgnegrq favssvat vg ng svefg gura fgnegrq gb yvpx uvf urnq...

"pna lbh znffntr zl onyyf svefg?" Fuvawv nfxrq
"Vyy qb orggre!" Nfhxn fnvq jvgu n yvggyr urfvgngvba nf gb jung furf qbvat jnf arj gb ure...fur fgnegrq gb yvpx nebhaq uvf onyyf bppnfvbanyl cynvat jvgu gurz juvyr pnershyyl rknzvavat gurz....fur fubhtug gurl jbhyq or ebhaqre ohg jnf fngvfsvrq (nf lbh xabj onyyf ner biny funcrq)

Gnxvat uvf onyyf fybjyl vagb ure zbhgu FUvawv lrycrq...

"Qvq gung uheg?!" Nfhxn vzzrqvngyl fnvq chyyvat gurz bhg
"Ab...vg whfg srryf fb tbbq" Fuvawv juvfcrerq

Nfhxn gura gbbx gurz onpx vagb ure zbhgu ebyyvat gurz ba ure gbathr gelvat abg gb gbhpu gurz ba ure grrgu juvyr ehoovat uvf qvpx.....nsgre n juvyr fur abgvprq fbzrguvat gung ybbxrq yvxr phz...

"Ner lbh svavfurq?!" Nfhxn fnvq yvxr n orjvyqrerq puvyq
"Ab...gungf whfg cerphz" FUvawv fnvq nf Nfhxn rknzvarq vg bayl gb fybjyl yvpx vg bss

Gur gnfgr jnf jrveq gb ure ohg abg onq....

"Jryy gura....Vxnqnxvznfh!!!" Fur fnvq fgrnqvyl fjnyybjvat uvf pbpx nsgre n srj tntf trggvat ure rlrf erq
"Pna V fgvpx zl svatre va lbhe ohgg?" Fur fnvq xvaqn rzoneenffrq
"Lbhhh zvtuuug unir gb fb tb nurnq" ur onoyrq

Nfhxn gura gbbx uvf qvpx bhg gb ovgr ure svatreanvy naq fghpx ure fcvg pbirerq svatre va svthevat bhg jurer gur cebfgngr jnf...

"Svf vf ssbbq sbe svbyvsl synff" Fur fnvq zhssyrq jvgu uvf urnq va ure zbhgu
"Unun...gungf gbb shaal" Fuvawv fnvq va n pybfrq rlrq genapr nf fur svanyyl svg uvf jubyr qvpx va.

Fuvawv phzzrq naq ur abgvprq vg sryg zhpu zber vagrafr guna hfhny...Nfhxn frrzrq gb nuir n yvggyr gebhoyr fjnyybjvat gur fyvzl tbb ohg qvq vg naljnlf sbe Fuvawv.

"Lbh qvqag unir gb fjnyybj vg" Fuvawv fnvq
"Vir fnvq vg orsber V jnag lbh vafvqr zr" Nfhxn fnvq "orfvqrf lbh fjnyybjrq zvar"

Fur gura fbncrq hc uvf qvpx pyrnavat vg.....




---------------LEMON PART DONE------------------------

"There....come here and give me a kiss" Asuka said out of breath

They kissed, finished washing and got out.....

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" they heard a woman say paralysing them.....
"RITSUKO?!" they yelped frantic to make an excuse
"Dont even bother explaining.....Misato and I know all about it" Ritsuko said sternly
"How the hell did you get in here?! And this is OUR business not yours....were not doing anything wrong!!" Yelled Asuka defensivly as Ritsukos eyes widened ready to respond....

But Shinji quickly interupted...

"Please Asuka....Ill handle this" Shinji said gently pushing Asuka away
"I know what your thinking.....what we did could get Asuka pregnant" Shinji said as Asuka turned her head evily to Shinji....
"But we never actually HAD sex" Shinji explained

Ritsuko went to the window and looked out as she spoke...

"Oh...ok so you didnt penetrate huh?" Ritsuko said as she turned around and pulled a used condom in a platic bag out of her coat pocket (It was Misatos actually) as Asuka hit Shinjis arm whispering to him "Did you lie about being a virgin?!"
"No...I dont know where that came from...mabey its Misatos!?" Shinji replied as he kicked Asukas leg
"Look Ritsuko....I dont need to explain where that came from nor do I have to take this from a level 3 technition who is ranked lower than me and Shinji even!!" Asuka said proudly

Just then Ritsuko turned around, pushed a chair aside and slapped Asuka!!!

"You need to respect your elders young lady!!" Ritsuko violently said while Shinji gathered his rage from seeing his lover hurt and pushed Ritsuko down with all his might stunning her as she fell onto the glass table also surprising Asuka....

"Shinji!!!STOP!!!" Asuka yelled almost hyperventalating

Shinji then got scared and tried to help her up but she slapped his hand away....

"You little FUCK!!" Ritsuko said with a shaky voice
"THIS IS MY LIFE!!! Why does everything have to be complicated!? GET OUT NOW!!!" Asuka screamed as she ran crying into her room slamming her door leaving Shinji alone not knowing what to do...

"Are you ok?" Shinji muttered
"AND YOU!! always apologising...it wont help you THIS time...Im going to have a talk with commander Gendo about this too!" Ritsuko said as she got up from the bloody broken table (not much thou)and walked out the door knocking a vase down on purpose with her head down...

Shinji looked out the window as her car drove off and closed the curtain so fast it same off...

"GODDAMNIT!!" he said crying as he sat on the coush with his head in his lap....

After a while he decided to check on Asuka but her door was locked so he went to his room and started plaing one of his hentai dating sims jacking off on cue...then he needed to take a shit bad....

When he was dropping off the kids Asuka slowly opened the door..

"Shinji?...you there?" She said but he couldnt hear with all the farts so she let herslef in only to find his H-game...

"Wha tha?!" Asuka said as she started to play it while making weird faces....

Shinji finally got out of the bathroom....

"That was a great shit" he exclaimed only to have his jaw drop as his eyes opened seeing Asuka staring back at him with her jaw dropped too....

"NO ONE STILL LOVES ME!!" Asuka screamed as she got up but her foot go tangled in the controller cord making her fall and pulling the game console on her head...

"Rei!! I mean...Asuka!!!" Shinji yelled
"Did you say Rei?!" Asuka said holding her head
"W...well Ive...been having dreams about my hentai games raping Rei by knocking her out and plaing her CD in her ass" Shinji revealed
"Could I mabey color your hair a little? And put the Cd in...um ur butt?" Shinji bravely said
"Well my ass is in german code so it cant read japane.."

Just then Shinji woke up in his dads arms....for some reason Shinjis dad was eating his hair and feeding him a cereal called Rei-O's with tiny Reis swimming around laughing...it came with a toy angel that atarted attacking the cereal box thinking it was a building....

BAM!!!!

Shinji awoke for real this time (He passed out right after he got out of the bathroom form shitting too hard so this was all a dream) only to feel some warm liquid on his head...

It was Asuka peeing on him!!!

"Why Why what the HELL?!?" Shinji said
"Your game had this so I thought it was your fetish?!" Asuka said confused

Suddenly they both got a call on their cellphones....IT WAS NERV!!!

"Guys we need you now....ANGEL ATTACK!" Ritsuko screamed
"Red ranger GO!" yelled Shinji holding his phone into the air

Asuka paused with a blank stare....

"What are you doing at a time like this?!" Asuka asked
"Oh....so im NOT still dreaming!" Shinji answered with a dumb look
"No time COME ON!" Asuka yelled

At the train station Shinjis card wouldnt work on the scanner kiosk....

"COME ON FAG!" said Asuka "Just jump over the damn thing!"
"Hold on not so fast" said a station worker "YOu cant do that" he added

"WHat in gods name?!" Asuka screamed
"Heres our badges...this is a national emergency LET US THROUGH!"
"Ill still have to check these out hold on" the worker explained calmly
"We dont have time...Do you see that!?" Asuka said pointing to the shit angel destroying a factory
"WOW...thats a big peice of shit...but rules are rules!" the worker said

"Uhhh!! Asuka moaned as she ran up and kicked the workers face in, grabbed the IDs, then Shinjis arm and ran to the train..

They had a nice view on the way to NERV of the angel attacking while Asuka paced nervously occasionally flipping the angel off. Meanwhile Shinji was sitting listening to his anime music and punching to the beat making sounds like a kid...

When they arrived at NERV headquarters Maya ran up and briefed them...

"Ok heres the situation...Weve detected the same angel signature as the micro-organism that invaded our systems in episode 13....apparently not all of it was destroyed and some escaped into the sewers....there it mutated and bonded with the fecal matter and grew into a giant shit monster... then, started attacking the beer factories getting drunk while contaminating the brew.....Shinji, your mission is to save Misato....She heard the news before us making her go into a rage...she got into her car, drove over to the angel and started shooting at it"

"You smell like pee Shinji" Maya added

"Excellent" They heard Gendo say in the distance (although he really was glad they were here)

Just then a squad of homeless old men marched by with rifles on their backs...

"What tha!?" Shinji and Asuka asked

"Oh yeah....SEELE cut our budget again" Maya sighed "Oh and youll have to climb out the launch shaft plus we can only afford generic brand LCL so if it tasted bad youll know" she added

"Suit up here" Maya said
"Here? in the open?" Asuka complained
"No time we cant spare a second" Maya said

It was a very strange minute since even the homeless troops were staring....

"Ok lets go!" Ritsuko burst in saying

"Weve hooked you up with a special enzyme rifle so try and cover it all Asuka....and Shinji, your gonna scoop it all up after you help Misato since her car is covered in...ya know....after that you will use your jetpack we equipped unit 01 with and fly over to China so you can dump all the shit china sold us back on them" Ritsuko said

"When you get back were having a meeting with you two" She added

Both climbed into their Evas.....

"You get Misato, Ill get that shit" Asuka said

LAUNCH!!!

Asuka climbed up first stepping on Shinji making him do most of the effort. When they got to the top the stench was horrible like the bathroom in a bar.....

It was an easy task killing the angel but when Shinji went up to Misatos car he heard "MY BEER!" as he got closer

He picked up the car and pushed it into a car wash then took it to NERV headquarters making car sounds....

"Im done Shin...you know waht to do!" Asuka said

Shinji did his job dumping it on China while the Chinese gathered it, Dumped some lead in and made Tofu out of it headed for the United States.......

Back in the main meeting room.....

Shinji and Asuka are sitting quietly with Misato chilling against the wall behind them staring down their backs giving both a cold chill.....

Just then Gendo walks in with Ritsuko and sits down at the end while Ritsuko goes and stands by Misato putting an arm around her smiling.....

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The end for now.....I need your suggestions as to what parts need more elaboration or fixing and as to whats gonna happen next......PLEASE HELP I WILL READ ALL MESSAGES AND REPLY A.s.A.P!!!!

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cmon people....give me ANY review.....I dont care If you cuss me saying its the worst fic ever just SOMETHING PLEASE REVIEW!!!!

The writing style is, how should I put it?, rather breathless; things happening all in a rush -- in other words in the style of a standard beginner's fic.

This is a style marked by a nigh-complete lack of either characterization or description; neither third person objective (cinematic, no interior life, but attention to the details of the setting for each scene), not third person subjective (typical novel, following the interior life and responses of a viewpoint character as the action unfolds). Also part of the style, a lack of scene boundaries -- things run at full tilt, shifting more like a montage than a narrative.

The underlying problem is one of the writer knowing what is going on, and being anxious to get it all written down, without actually slowing down to think how the reader, who can't unfold the same interior view from the few cues that have been committed to fixed form, will be able to decode the compressed transmission.

Since you're writing lemons, I'd suggest you find one of the "how to write good sex stories" guides (which are actually good generic fiction writing guides, with a bit of extra emphasis on making all the Tab A into Slot B stuff more readable). The alt.sex.stories text repository would probably be a good starting point.

tl;dr -- read an introductory guide to writing fiction first.

Question for Tines or whoever: Is it OK to put Eva-centric stories that are H in the Fandom, or no? Since this wasn't locked, I'd guess that's the case...

@ ecchianime: I'll R&R what you wrote at some other point. ;)

Sailor Star Dust wrote:Question for Tines or whoever: Is it OK

Good call -- I'm used to being the bouncer and tidier-upper here, and also too used to THAT BOARD and /a/ for it to have really struck me that this might have gone over Aaron's line of tasefulness. In as much as I looked at it, it was to note that the writing style was that of a beginner, and the content was comparatively tame and not very graphic.

@iloveallecchianime
On reflection, I have applied a compromise solution for the moment; but I would suggest

* no more citrus incidents
* re-hosting the un-cut version somewhere else

If any other admin wants to go further, then that is their prerogative.

your right mr. tines that this IS my first fan fic.....im sorry this had any hentai but you know...this was from a co-written fic with my friend back in 2001 and I just touched it up and added some stuff but I wanted to keep the basics in.....any review is helpful to me so in the future I can edit this fic and added the rest!! But it was good for a beginner right? RIGHT?!?!? Yes I suck at descriptions BUT I did get points on Originality RIGHT!? Thanks for reading everyone and again PLEASE REVIEW!

...Why does everybody defile NGE? *Sigh* Too...strange in my view.

Originality: Well, I've not read that many S/A fics so I've not explored the full scope of scenarios used out there to get them together. You have indeed changed a lot of the series givens (ages, locations, people), more than was done in e.g. Higher Learning.

Craft: It depends a lot on what the original material used as source for a fan-fic how much of this you can get away with before the story really ought to be about the changes from what we expect, otherwise it becomes little more than an excuse for avoiding having to establish the characters who then do something different in the new setting.

If the story is "Their first time and the aftermath", a short story, then there are too many changes. If the story is about significantly modified version of the series events, then the sex scene should come in at about page 70 of 200 and no sooner. As it is, I don't think the story knows where it is going or what it is trying to be.

If this is stuff you (co-)wrote at age 14, and have touched it up now, either the re-touch was very light or you have not really read widely nor written much in the intervening years enough to get a feel for prose.

Although my parents keep unearthing odd bits from my teens, none of my early work (from around age 14) seems to have survived, so I don't have a sample of weird patchwork SF Frankensteined out of Poul Anderson, E. E. Smith and Andre Norton to say "This is what beginner's stuff looks like". The earliest I have is the first of my "Mature" works, dashed off one evening at age 18 (a version lightly edited for continuity here).

At the moment, alas, I don't have the bandwidth to work a detailed critique of the writing, but there are at least two other fanfic threads where I have done this -- it might be worth looking them out.

First off, this

"My dads fugly face" Shinji replied

and this

feeding him a cereal called Rei-O's with tiny Reis swimming around laughing...it came with a toy angel that started attacking the cereal box thinking it was a building...

made me .

The "acid flashback" I'm assuming Tines put in was amusing. It makes sense, seeing as we're not sure what the forum's policy is on written adult content.

Even without that, however, the writing/spelling/grammar does need work. It's too rushed and it's hard for the reader to tell what exactly is going on.

Towards the ending, when things got really weird (with all that piss and shit stuff going on, I think there should've been some type of warning for that, even though it wasn't that bad) I found it hard to keep track of just what was going on.

I hope that helps.

And doth my eyes deceive my or did Tines actually read this, an A/S work? (Speaking of which, Tines, I know you absolutely hate shipping them, but would you ever considering R&R a fic of mine? Or perhaps you did already and I'm just blanking out? Personally, I think you'd like to an extent how I portrayed Asuka in this angsty story: http://evageeks.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2378)

Thank you all for Reviews! You know E-mailing me (Adress is at top of fic) would be better since I dont want to clog this topic up.....And I am currently trying to Edit this fic but I dont understand why I have to make a backround or establish the characters better since their backrounds are already done by Hideki Anno.....I wish though you guys would give me a rating of 0-100.....I still cant tell if you liked it or not

Because of the writing style, I couldn't say whether or not I liked it or hated it, to be honest. I mean, A/S is a plus in my book, of course, but.... The fic does need some work, that's all I can say.

A number of the broader points of craft I posted here for SSD:

http://evageeks.org/forum/viewtopic.php?p=134855#134855

would apply.

One extra point, the notes ahead of the story: these should really be about the story, in the way the cover blurb and packaging does for a book; so in this case S/A romance, lemon (mf,... add standard Usenet content codes here).

Note #3 should really be framing material in the story

"2017. A decade of busy peace had followed the last of the wars that exploded out of the aftermath of Second Impact.

"Leaning on her hoe, Asuka stopped to wipe her brow and looked up at the sky where the westering sun was beginning to tint the clouds with hints of pink. It had been a long day working in the rice paddies, and she felt pleasantly tired, and a little sore in places; but it was a pleasant change from her usual routine. If only it had been in happier circumstances, and not because Shinji's mother had been taken ill, and she and Shinji were staying here to help out through her convalescence."

Note #4 should be saved for a ronery thread on /a/. Personally I'm not keen on citrus flavoured fiction (if I want smut, I'll go for something more directly to the point, and filtered by personal kinks; and if not, not).

Thanks Mr.Tines!!! That really helped me! Im going to use that paragraph in the beginning and build on that.....you know This fan fic was made to give the basic Idea and not be all professional sounding....I know I could have done better but you see most of this was written directly from my heart spontaneously